Two for one...

We’re not feeling particularly inspired today, perhaps it was all that laudanum we had for breakfast, but the muse has deserted us as quickly as Liverpool’s fading title credentials.

Reasons to be cheerful? Well at least our beloved Hornets won a relegation six-pointer on the weekend, leaping salmon-like up the table towards the mediocrity which we truly deserve.

Elsewhere? Surrender Monkeys! Surely it’s a bit premature to be handing the title to Man United already with something like 13 games to go? Sure they’re odds-on favourites, but that’s being as defeatist as an Italian tank commander’s eve of battle speech.

We also note with sorrow the absence of The Fred from the Fourth Test, an omission England feel they need to cover by the call up of at two players in Amjad Khan and Ravi Bopara. Truly the Fred is at least four players in one... stock and shock bowler, big hitting biffer and assured elder batting statesmen, plus hands-like-buckets slip fielder. One question for the ECB are they sure they’ve brought enough?

Finally on to matters of taste and decency.

We haven’t got any. Hope that’s cleared that up.

Shot Selection

As Britain enters a second ice age and we shiver in our hovels and gently thrust another couple of copies of Shortlist onto the fire, it's been a boon to be transported the Carribean and the familiar rhythms of Test Match Special as it resonates across the airwaves redolent of sunshine and rum punch.

A strange first day for England in the opening Test, winning an important toss and then contriving to almost throw any advantage in all too unfamiliar fashion as they were subject to examination by twin spin and a new Windies star, the redoubtable Sulieman 'big' Ben.

Surreal stuff and naturally cricket, with no sense of irony whatsoever, brought KP and The Fred to England's rescue, the supposed dress room adversaries combining well to turn around a dire start.

Much of course has been made of KP 'throwing' away his wicket on 97, by attempting to bring up a ton with a huge six, when he'd have apparently been better advised to nudge it in singles.

Absolute rot of course. KP is a showman, a natural entertainer and earned the right to have a heave by the 97 runs he'd accumulated before getting out. Naturally if he does it all the time, teams will target this tendency, but right now he's England's premier batsman by a mile and we'd be deep in the brown stuff without his efforts.

Keep playing it your way KP.

Westward ho!

We’re taking a break from our throbbing non-stop coverage of Manchester City’s ever decreasing shopping list today, to contemplate the great love of our life today. Yes you too Mrs Spurt (we’ll pay for that later), but of course we speak primarily of cricket, as our brave boys cry ‘windward ho' and land in the Caribbean

Now during our formative years, this would usually be the cue to load up the body bags, watch the vultures begin to circle and wait for Mike Gatting to land at Heathrow resembling a recently violated panda, as the formidable West Indies quicks feasted on the softer parts of our batsmen with an array of bouncers, quick balls and erm even quicker balls.

Nowadays of course it’s a different coconut of rum punch. The great West Indies sides are a fondly fading memory, the game is less of a unifying force in the islands and talented young Windies athletes look to basketball or other more US-centric sports to make their fame and especially fortune.

West Indies still have genuine stars like Chris Gayle and Shivnarine Chanderpaul and are decent enough at the shorter forms of the game. Yet England – with their greater overall firepower - should prevail in the Tests and it’s going to be a thorough and intriguing examination of Andrew 'Posh' Strauss’s new captaincy.

We’ve a good feeling about Strauss and back him to get the best out of the team, heal any rifts and unite them for the home series warm up to the all-important Ashes.

Just keep The Fred away from the sauce pedaloes.

Better to be lucky than good...

Well there’s plenty of transfer shenanigans on the board today as the window slowly creaks closed, but we’re ignoring the footy and dialling up our gloat gauge to max following England’s absolute thumping of South Africa last night, where we bowled them out for 83 or as it’s known colloquially in Croxley circles ‘a Fox score’*.

A great performance particularly from Stuart Broad who opened the door with a five wicket burst which was then barged wide open by The Fred and The Harminator. Even given the SAFs are looking a bit punch drunk and in danger of going off piste at the end of a long tour, it was still a great performance and a superb result.

England now look a pretty decent one day side, but it helps if you pick a balanced team and play the best man in each position. Selectors you appear to have listened.

Now we have to admit we had our misgivings about KP being named captain, but with three wins on the trot, he certainly seems to have the right stuff.

Nope not inspiring leadership, nor great tactical nouse and nuanced bowling and fielding changes, nor indeed the touchy touchy-feely approach he’s apparently taken to man management.

Nope, what KP has got in spades is luck and as the old saw goes and it’s always better to be lucky than good.

Let’s hope it holds out until around this time next year.


*Named after the lowly totals regularly achieved by the dear old Fox and Hounds, ‘The Worst Team in England’ as the Daily Torygraph once had it.

All quiet on the Spurting Front

Not too much on the spurting radar today, so we’re bottom feeding off scraps essentially and that loud grindy sound you can hear is the bottom of the barrel being not so much scraped as well and truly rubbed down and given a good sanding.

Where to begin then? Oh yes Michael Vaughan’s assertion that The Fred has ‘the X Factor’ did briefly catch our eye, but then we thought shouldn’t that be The Ramps in Strictly Come Skating on Ice’s Got Talent?

Now we’re just confused.

Perhaps we’re thinking of Who Dares Sings? Paul Collingwood could enter singing ‘Only the Lonely’?

Anyway at least there’s plenty of decent transfer footy gossip to get stuck into as the Merry Go Round not so much revolves but engages Turbo and whirls into the outer ionosphere.

It’s like the intro to the classic Soap ..... Ronaldo goes to Real, but only if they can flog Robinho to Chelsea which might in turn might release Drogba to Milan, which would set up Ronaldhino to depart for Manchester City.

Confused? You will be... up until that last one it was all starting to sound vaguely plausible.

England v SAF final day...

So it’s day five of the first Test and with SAF sitting comfortably on 312-1 at lunch. the draw looks more certain than a Geordie bird six pints to the good.

Of course the SAF’s have done well but the pitch has run true to form and been more placid than a pensioner on Prozac. Yet is it has also pointed towards a real lack of true firepower and penetration in the England attack, perhaps vindicating Duncan Fletcher’s long held view that you must have real pace or world class spin to force the pace on these benign featherbeds.

The return of the Fred is palpable and almost inevitable now as we whistle up our one true World Class performer – but who should he replace and how will it affect the balance of the side? There’s a few imponderables like is Ryan Sidebottom fit and if not, in comes Simon Jones/Chris Tremlett depending on the Headingley pitch.

Bell also goes up to three and Vaughan down to five so here’s our XI to face the SAFs on Friday....

Cook
Strauss
Bell
KP
Vaughan
Flintoff
Prior
Broad
Sidebottom/ Simon Jones/ Chris Tremlett
Anderson
Panesar

The return of the four Musketeers?

Work, that unconscionable burden of the drinking classes work kept us occupied for a couple of days – that and the fact there’s been less sporting meat than Frankie’s famous vegetarian breakfast – has meant a slight lapse in our posting schedule but we return to form, on a glorious sunny Friday full of the joys of summer, .or at least full of the joys of an early morning caffeine overload.

Sometimes it’s hard to bear the spurting burden of being perpetually right but as predicted Master Murray went out on Wednesday to the awesome power of Rafael Nadal, not so much having his arse handed to him, but rather having it served on a shiny silver platter, surrounded by flowers and garland and with a neatly peeled poking delicately through the ring.

Still no shame in losing to Nadal, who is quite simply awesome and sets the benchmark for what Murray should be serving for. There’s plenty of time for the Scotsman to raise his game and a Wimbledon quarter final is no disgrace for a 21-year-old. Especially if he’s a Brit.

But to more heartening cricketing matters today and a missed opportunity in our not-so-humble opinion with the announcement of the England squad to face South Africa in the first Test next week, which basically, like our flinty heart when it comes to fat lasses, remains unchanged.

However dropping down a level into the shires it’s encouraging to see not only The Fred scoring runs and the Harminator rumbling ominously up at Durham, but Welsh pace wizard Simon Jones taking a few names and rattling a few wickets at Worcester.

It almost begs the question: could the four bowling musketeers of the Ashes 2005 be finally reunited in one last great adventure next year?

Ironically it’s probably the Hogster, historically the most dogged and dependable of that redoubtable quartet who’s furthest from regaining his place but with Flintoff, Harmison and Jones all getting back in contention our bowling resources are looking a whole lot deeper.

…Now if we can just sort out that that batting

Bring back Fred?

Despite our nagging hangovers this morning, we’re cheered to think there’s just under one short week now until the summer Test calendar kicks off with the return fixture against the Kiwis and even given England’s consistent erm inconsistency recently, this is one we should win at a canter.

The young New Zealand side, is led no doubt ably by the admirable Daniel Vittori but it’s still green as asparagus and shorn of two world class players in retired ex-skipper Stephen Fleming and ICL outcast fast bowler Shane Bond.

Of course with the squad named on Sunday debate now rages about the return of the Fred, iconic England all-rounder Freddie ‘Andrew’ Flintoff who’s returned to county duties this season after a long lay off with a troublesome ankle injury.

Should he play in this first Test? Sir Beefy Botham thinks not, others like Phil DeFreitas say throw him in. Here’s our take. The Fred is at least two and possibly three world class cricketers in one (superb fast bowler, destructive middle-order bat and sure-fingered slip catcher) and England are simply not the same side without him. He’d walk straight into any XI in world cricket including the Aussies, no argument.

The fact he’s had a couple of ducks in his County games is immaterial, and we’d love to see him roar back and smear the Kiwis all over Lord’s but really, there is no need to throw him into this first Test when he could keep strengthening himself up for sterner tests like South Africa later in the summer. You can’t keep The Fred bubble wrapped forever, but there’s two more Tests against the Kiwis which would also serve as nice warm ups. Knowing The Fred he’ll probably want to play anyway.

We recently put it to a straw poll and The Fred is incidentally also the sportsman we Spurters would most like to go out on the lash with. Though frankly, given his Herculean efforts on this score in times past, we think we have to get in some serious nets before we could even contemplate it.

Good luck Fred, it is great to see you back, though, no hurry.

Reasons to be cheerful...

With all the controversy over the IPL and huge sweeteners bonuses now being offered for England players to make up for missing out on the sub-continent greed fest, it would be easy to think the beloved game was now evolving into the sordid money market that engulfed footy in the form of the Premiership.

As an England fan or indeed just a genuine cricket lover, it might even be tempting to reach for the trusty bottle of barbiturates and the rusty old service revolver, lest you dare not live to see our holy cricketing religion being soiled by the power of the almighty dollar.

Still amidst all the doom and gloom there’s finally reasons to be cheerful today (and another reason to use that tag) as Freddy ‘Andrew’ Flintoff returned to action in the County Championship

Taking a commendable 40-2 and looking as sharp as ever according to ex-England colleague Marcus Trescothick, The Fred is not only England’s talisman and a guarantee of better performances this summer, but a reminder of a nobler and better age (around 2005), when cricket wasn’t all about lining your pockets and developing a new brand, but about competition, sportsmanship and the finer virtues of the game.

Like being 'rescued' on an offshore lilo or going on a 24 hour drinking bender when you actually win something.

The Fred, welcome back old son, we've missed you...

The return of the Fred...

Good to see talismanic England all-round Freddie ‘Andrew’ Flintfoff making a return to the fold after nearly four month’s absence. The Fredster will be hooking up with the England’s Lions for a three match thrash in India, but the downside is our Fred will be playing purely as a batsman and fielder.

While it’s great to see him back and we shouldn’t underestimate his bucket hands at slip and mighty wielding of the willow (the official term), Fred’s actually three world class players in one and it’s his devastating bowling that England have missed most since the 2005 Ashes triumph. Hostile, wicket-taking and economical, the Fred bowls a mighty trinity and let’s hope we’ve not seen the best or indeed last of it.

Huge ‘grats to the England women cricketers too, who beat the Aussies in their own back yard. A mighty triumph, any day on which the Aussies surrender the Ashes is a good day!

Gilchrist ...missed

On a separate note, shame to see Adam Gilchrist is close to retiring from the national side, even if it was on such a typically bright note spanking a valedictory 118 on his home ground to secure another Aussie win.

Much as we usually despise Aussie cricketers, Gilchrist is a marvel, creating the template for the modern wicketkeeper-batsman. He always came across as a bloody nice bloke in post-match interviews even when he couldn’t buy a run against our Freddie in 2005, he took it on the chin and roared back. A Test average of 47.6 with a strike rate of 81.95 tells its own story, alongside 379 catches and 37 stumpings. Far less irritating than Ian Healy too.

For Gilly’s full and remarkable career stats see here. Goodbye old son and good on ya. as we believe the Aussies say.