Ah Friday, slack prelude to a weekend of lethargy when the week’s toil is nearly over and we can look forward to unfettered alcoholic indulgence unencumbered by such sordid considerations as rising before midday.
And it’s vodka and cornflakes for breakfast on Saturday and Sunday!
Ahem, anyway, more from what’s shaping up to be a pulsating test series over in the Antigua as following the debacle of the Sir Viv stadium, England and West Indies decamped to the historic ARG for a truly pulsating encounter.
England were probably denied a deserved victory, but the Windies at bay were defiant and held on by their very fingertips for the narrowest of draws, the outcome decided by a solitary tail-end wicket.
Games like this prove why Test cricket is still the pinnacle of spurting achievement and its why the undeniably flashy, though ultimately shallow Twenty20 version will never truly replace it.
This was a game that had been slowly brewing all week, simmering gently until it was ready to spill over with five days of unremitting labour, sweat, courage, technique, style, nuance and not a little luck all contributing to a magnificently inconclusive conclusion.
It’s paradoxical no doubt, but this was one of the most exciting draws ever, an example of the greatest game at its very finest.
Showing posts with label England. Show all posts
Showing posts with label England. Show all posts
Friday, 20 February 2009
Tuesday, 17 February 2009
Back from the dead
We’re a misanthropic curmudgeonly bunch of bastards on the whole here at the Spurt - it’s not so much an outlook as a totally ingrained way of life.Yet even our cold, flinty inhuman hearts were defrosted just the teeniest little bit last night by the triumphant rebirth of Eduardo, Arsenal’s Brazilian-born Croatian striker, who celebrated his return from a horrendous year-long career-threatening injury by banging a couple past Cardiff.
Okay easy meat perhaps but it was as heart-warming as watching a lickle orphan being reunited with their long-lost, rich (and hopefully not too paedo) uncle after years of neglect.
Altogether now aaaaw....
Anyway with Walcott due back any moment and even Cesc on the road to Wellville, the question is being asked: could the Arse mount a late spurt for the title?
Answer: erm nope, but it might at least ensure a top four finish and piss on Martin O’Neill’s chips. Should be an interesting run in for the also-rans.
Elsewhere: England from 51 all out to 566-9 declared in just seven days? Choose your mainstream media cliché from the list below:
1) Zeroes to Heroes
2) What a Difference a Week Makes!
3) Colly gives Windies the wobbles
Answer 3) Obv - we're wasted here you know...
Tuesday, 10 February 2009
51 All Out
The lack of posts recently has not been down to just our perpetual laziness, oh no, although truth to tell there's enough of that to whitewash all the dark matter in the universe. Nope we've been hiding our head in shame and wondering just what we should say about England's abject surrender to the Windies on Saturday. Fortunately we don't have to as spurting regular Steve B has felt compelled to pen his own. Don't worry though, we'll be right back with something snide to say on Big Phil and Big Tony's sacking, but for the moment over to Stevie B and the England post-mortem.
Perhaps – while perusing CNN in their Caribbean hotel – the England cricket team saw the tragic news of the wildfires claiming hundreds of lives in Australia, and decided to think up a way of returning smiles to the faces of those poor, demoralised Aussies. That’s the only explanation I can come up with for Saturday’s comically inept batting performance. It’s just a pity that they also managed further to depress another already suicidal nation – their own one – in the process. Perhaps Bill Frindall saw it coming, although his solution was a bit drastic.
So, what is to be done with a bunch of players beginning to resemble the cast of Carry On Cricketing? I predict two changes for the Second Test against the Windies – Shah for Bell and Anderson for Harmison. Everyone pretty much agrees on that – Bell’s mental disintegration is so advanced it’s a wonder he can remember to tie his shoelaces (although, perhaps one of England’s 16 support staff does that for him?) and the likelihood of Harmison getting his old zip back is roughly on a par with that of Osama Bin Laden embracing Catholicism.
If only England had a coach, they could get him to think up some excuse for sending Bell and Harmy back home, thereby allowing them to draft in replacements. Face it: given where Bell’s head is currently at, he’d probably drop the drinks on the way out to the middle. And Harmy would, as ever, rather be in Geordieland with his kids. Ravi Bopara’s absence from the Caribbean is a scandal and, as has been pointed out ad infinitum, Michael Vaughan still has a central contract. Granted, the cupboard of up-and-coming quickies is bare. But at least the bowlers’ performance was merely insipid, as opposed to embarrassing. And there are two replacements for Panesar – Swann and Rashid – although the latter won’t play due to his inexperience. If England lose the nest Test, though, they might as well whack him into the side, on the premise that he couldn’t do any worse. It will be interesting to see whether Swann comes in for Panesar, Monty has talent, for sure, but is actually getting worse as a bowler. He hasn’t bowled well for England for years, and Sabina Park, as Benn demonstrated, was an absolute Bunsen burner. He has to go, too – even despite Swann’s mauling in the warm-up match.
In an ideal world, if you were an England selector, you’d want to drop Strauss – I’d fancy bowling at him at the moment, but he’ll survive because he’s the newly anointed skipper – and Collingwood, the 21st century Nasser Hussain, a man with no talent but a gingery scrapper’s mentality. At least he’s a decent fielder – but fielding is pretty much all he has brought to England for a while now. Sidebottom’s bowling was startlingly mediocre, but at least he’s a leftie. How could England have come to such a pass that, having dropped three players, you then have to cast around for flimsy excuses to keep three others in the side?
England have been consistently, frustratingly awful for years now – which kind of makes a mockery of the “selectorial consistency” argument. So radical action is called for. As Strauss’s form is so poor he doesn’t merit a place, I’d call up Rob Key to captain and open the batting with Michael Vaughan. Followed by KP at number three, then Shah, Bopara, Flintoff and Prior. The bowling line-up is more problematic, but I would have the following at numbers eight to 11. Broad – first name on the team-sheet, obviously. Rashid (he can bat a bit, and all the Windies pitches are low and slow these days), Swann, Sidebottom, Anderson. Just a mere seven changes from what will henceforth become known as the 51 All Out Team, then.
Perhaps – while perusing CNN in their Caribbean hotel – the England cricket team saw the tragic news of the wildfires claiming hundreds of lives in Australia, and decided to think up a way of returning smiles to the faces of those poor, demoralised Aussies. That’s the only explanation I can come up with for Saturday’s comically inept batting performance. It’s just a pity that they also managed further to depress another already suicidal nation – their own one – in the process. Perhaps Bill Frindall saw it coming, although his solution was a bit drastic.
So, what is to be done with a bunch of players beginning to resemble the cast of Carry On Cricketing? I predict two changes for the Second Test against the Windies – Shah for Bell and Anderson for Harmison. Everyone pretty much agrees on that – Bell’s mental disintegration is so advanced it’s a wonder he can remember to tie his shoelaces (although, perhaps one of England’s 16 support staff does that for him?) and the likelihood of Harmison getting his old zip back is roughly on a par with that of Osama Bin Laden embracing Catholicism.
If only England had a coach, they could get him to think up some excuse for sending Bell and Harmy back home, thereby allowing them to draft in replacements. Face it: given where Bell’s head is currently at, he’d probably drop the drinks on the way out to the middle. And Harmy would, as ever, rather be in Geordieland with his kids. Ravi Bopara’s absence from the Caribbean is a scandal and, as has been pointed out ad infinitum, Michael Vaughan still has a central contract. Granted, the cupboard of up-and-coming quickies is bare. But at least the bowlers’ performance was merely insipid, as opposed to embarrassing. And there are two replacements for Panesar – Swann and Rashid – although the latter won’t play due to his inexperience. If England lose the nest Test, though, they might as well whack him into the side, on the premise that he couldn’t do any worse. It will be interesting to see whether Swann comes in for Panesar, Monty has talent, for sure, but is actually getting worse as a bowler. He hasn’t bowled well for England for years, and Sabina Park, as Benn demonstrated, was an absolute Bunsen burner. He has to go, too – even despite Swann’s mauling in the warm-up match.
In an ideal world, if you were an England selector, you’d want to drop Strauss – I’d fancy bowling at him at the moment, but he’ll survive because he’s the newly anointed skipper – and Collingwood, the 21st century Nasser Hussain, a man with no talent but a gingery scrapper’s mentality. At least he’s a decent fielder – but fielding is pretty much all he has brought to England for a while now. Sidebottom’s bowling was startlingly mediocre, but at least he’s a leftie. How could England have come to such a pass that, having dropped three players, you then have to cast around for flimsy excuses to keep three others in the side?
England have been consistently, frustratingly awful for years now – which kind of makes a mockery of the “selectorial consistency” argument. So radical action is called for. As Strauss’s form is so poor he doesn’t merit a place, I’d call up Rob Key to captain and open the batting with Michael Vaughan. Followed by KP at number three, then Shah, Bopara, Flintoff and Prior. The bowling line-up is more problematic, but I would have the following at numbers eight to 11. Broad – first name on the team-sheet, obviously. Rashid (he can bat a bit, and all the Windies pitches are low and slow these days), Swann, Sidebottom, Anderson. Just a mere seven changes from what will henceforth become known as the 51 All Out Team, then.
Thursday, 5 February 2009
Shot Selection
As Britain enters a second ice age and we shiver in our hovels and gently thrust another couple of copies of Shortlist onto the fire, it's been a boon to be transported the Carribean and the familiar rhythms of Test Match Special as it resonates across the airwaves redolent of sunshine and rum punch.
A strange first day for England in the opening Test, winning an important toss and then contriving to almost throw any advantage in all too unfamiliar fashion as they were subject to examination by twin spin and a new Windies star, the redoubtable Sulieman 'big' Ben.
Surreal stuff and naturally cricket, with no sense of irony whatsoever, brought KP and The Fred to England's rescue, the supposed dress room adversaries combining well to turn around a dire start.
Much of course has been made of KP 'throwing' away his wicket on 97, by attempting to bring up a ton with a huge six, when he'd have apparently been better advised to nudge it in singles.
Absolute rot of course. KP is a showman, a natural entertainer and earned the right to have a heave by the 97 runs he'd accumulated before getting out. Naturally if he does it all the time, teams will target this tendency, but right now he's England's premier batsman by a mile and we'd be deep in the brown stuff without his efforts.
Keep playing it your way KP.
A strange first day for England in the opening Test, winning an important toss and then contriving to almost throw any advantage in all too unfamiliar fashion as they were subject to examination by twin spin and a new Windies star, the redoubtable Sulieman 'big' Ben.
Surreal stuff and naturally cricket, with no sense of irony whatsoever, brought KP and The Fred to England's rescue, the supposed dress room adversaries combining well to turn around a dire start.
Much of course has been made of KP 'throwing' away his wicket on 97, by attempting to bring up a ton with a huge six, when he'd have apparently been better advised to nudge it in singles.
Absolute rot of course. KP is a showman, a natural entertainer and earned the right to have a heave by the 97 runs he'd accumulated before getting out. Naturally if he does it all the time, teams will target this tendency, but right now he's England's premier batsman by a mile and we'd be deep in the brown stuff without his efforts.
Keep playing it your way KP.
Thursday, 22 January 2009
Westward ho!
We’re taking a break from our throbbing non-stop coverage of Manchester City’s ever decreasing shopping list today, to contemplate the great love of our life today. Yes you too Mrs Spurt (we’ll pay for that later), but of course we speak primarily of cricket, as our brave boys cry ‘windward ho' and land in the Caribbean Now during our formative years, this would usually be the cue to load up the body bags, watch the vultures begin to circle and wait for Mike Gatting to land at Heathrow resembling a recently violated panda, as the formidable West Indies quicks feasted on the softer parts of our batsmen with an array of bouncers, quick balls and erm even quicker balls.
Nowadays of course it’s a different coconut of rum punch. The great West Indies sides are a fondly fading memory, the game is less of a unifying force in the islands and talented young Windies athletes look to basketball or other more US-centric sports to make their fame and especially fortune.
West Indies still have genuine stars like Chris Gayle and Shivnarine Chanderpaul and are decent enough at the shorter forms of the game. Yet England – with their greater overall firepower - should prevail in the Tests and it’s going to be a thorough and intriguing examination of Andrew 'Posh' Strauss’s new captaincy.
We’ve a good feeling about Strauss and back him to get the best out of the team, heal any rifts and unite them for the home series warm up to the all-important Ashes.
Just keep The Fred away from the
Thursday, 8 January 2009
The Bright Side
So it all turned out to be true then - with both captain and coach gone on the same day leaving English cricket looking about as organised as a surrealist's free form art installation .
You can choose your own label from the following catalogue of disaster: debacle, farce, cock-up, or perhaps all three simultaneously, but no-one's emerged looking good from the process*: Pietersen for his wilfull petulance, Moores for his inability to handle the game at the highest level and the ECB for putting the ferrets down English cricket's trousers and then acting surprised when they end up fighting tooth and nail near some vitally important regions.
Still our naturally sunny and not at all in any way misanthropic life-hating outlook forces us to consider the bright side.
What do you mean, what bright side? Read on grasshopper to discover,
One: If it were done, 'tis well it were done quickly. Better that this happens now, than a month before the ashes . At least it will give Strauss two short series to stamp his authority on the team. It'll also mean we might get decent coach, rather than someone who's simply got the relevant ECB badges.
Two: It proves that cricket matters. It was the lead item on pretty much every form of media yesterday and shows just how integral cricket remains to the English psyche. On a day when myriad other stories from the sorry world vied for our attention, Cricket grabbed all the headlines, set the national news agenda and remains as important as ever.
For that small comfort at least, we should be truly thankful.
* Apart from Andrew Strauss who should have been made England skipper after the domestic Pakistan series.
You can choose your own label from the following catalogue of disaster: debacle, farce, cock-up, or perhaps all three simultaneously, but no-one's emerged looking good from the process*: Pietersen for his wilfull petulance, Moores for his inability to handle the game at the highest level and the ECB for putting the ferrets down English cricket's trousers and then acting surprised when they end up fighting tooth and nail near some vitally important regions.
Still our naturally sunny and not at all in any way misanthropic life-hating outlook forces us to consider the bright side.
What do you mean, what bright side? Read on grasshopper to discover,
One: If it were done, 'tis well it were done quickly. Better that this happens now, than a month before the ashes . At least it will give Strauss two short series to stamp his authority on the team. It'll also mean we might get decent coach, rather than someone who's simply got the relevant ECB badges.
Two: It proves that cricket matters. It was the lead item on pretty much every form of media yesterday and shows just how integral cricket remains to the English psyche. On a day when myriad other stories from the sorry world vied for our attention, Cricket grabbed all the headlines, set the national news agenda and remains as important as ever.
For that small comfort at least, we should be truly thankful.
* Apart from Andrew Strauss who should have been made England skipper after the domestic Pakistan series.
Wednesday, 7 January 2009
England Woeful England
Widely previewed over the past 24 hours, the axe has finally fallen and if reports across the mainstream sites are to be believed, both England captain Kevin ‘KP’ Pietersen and coach Peter Moores have fallen on their collective swords this lunchtime. It’s still unclear whether Pietersen has gone or has threatened to go if Moores stays – the only quote comes from Sky news who managed to ambush KP on his mobile but all he’d say was: "I am not in a fit state to talk."
Uneasy is the head that wears the crown and all that... Moores we were expecting, but KP as well? From the reports, it looks like he gambled on a ‘back me, sack him’ power play with the board that has spectacularly failed, but it would be pretty damn shocking to see a self-inflicted ousting only five months after he’d assumed the captaincy.
If it’s all true and that’s yet to be determined, with various sites currently getting splinters in their arse through all their fence sitting, the whole sorry spectacle has been thoroughly unedifying as watching Mike Gatting going on a rampage in your local cake shop. To misquote dear old Oscar, to lose either captain or coach may be regarded as misfortunate but to lose both at the same time? That looks like sheer carelessness.
Whatever way things pan out, KP has come out of it smelling of ordure. This is not so much washing your dirty laundry in public, as soiling it, flaunting it and then offering to rub the remains into the noses of random passers-by.
Even the news that Australia has had its worst ever sporting year is scant consolation on this darkest of days.
Monday, 5 January 2009
Happy new year, Heureux Nouvelle Année, feliz año Nuevo ...and all that innit?
And boooom! Just like a Stevie G head butt we’re back! It’s the cold hard shell shock of the first day back at the coalface and we’re still reeling after eleven days of late rising, slack living, alcoholic indulgence and Christmas pudding overload. Ah the true spirit of Christmas... How was it for you?
Still, during these long bleak dog days as the New Year slowly starts to form and come into focus, there’s been no lack of spurting action to get our teeth into.
The award for most surprising event goes to Stevie G for the ‘incident’ in the night club and kidding aside, we hope the Scouse and England midfield dynamo gets away Scot-free. Some players undoubtedly deserve to be on the wrong end of a nightclub shooing, but not Stevie G, who, is so virtuous we are told, he drops farts of the purest perfume.
Elsewhere, a splendid FA Cup third round threw up the usual shock and some little awe with self-styled ‘richest club in the world’ Man City falling on their arses to lowly Notts Forest. That played most mightily on our chuckle bone - hilarious.
Murky Ides of March doings in the world of cricket too with KP on the point of ousting Peter Moores from his position as England coach. It’s always dangerous to change horses mid-race, especially with the Ashes looming but better now we suppose than then.
Moores was a political appointment (the first fruit of the ECB’s Elite coaching program) but has never struck us as having the cojones. The tale of the tape does not lie and England have become measurably worse since Moore’s arrival.
Time to put him out to grass we say and our pick and first prediction of the NY is to draft in Dav Whatmore. He's big, he's not fashionable and he used to sport a hilarious moustache, but he always got the best out of any team he coached and we'll need that kind of grit for the Aussie showdown this summer.
Toodle pip!
Monday, 15 December 2008
Riposte
Well lift up our skirts, tickle our biff and call us Mystic Susan. Yesterday - in a rare outbreak of Sunday posting - we actually picked in reverse order ie. Adlington, Hamilton and Hoy, the exact finishing order of BBC Spurts Personality of the Year. Naturally we didn’t have the foresight to put any money on it, oh no, that would be far too rewarding an outcome for the way this Christmas is shaping up.
However solace has come in the form of the return of Test cricket to our DAB radio and after all the drama, trauma and debate surrounding whether England should go back (something we again predicted – have we got a direct line to the spurting future or what?), it has been simply marvellous to wake up in this bleak English midwinter and be greeted by Test cricket's gentle cadences, immense subtleties and moments of tension and excitement.
And for a game which nearly never happened, it has been quite scintillating cricket and has almost had everything ... Straussy’s two centuries, Collingwood’s one, Swann’s double strike and a daunting total for India to chase on the final day. Sehwag’s blitz, Yuvraj’s defiance and then a match-winning century with the return of the Little Master.
The script has been perfect and we don’t even feel too disappointed by England’s loss, hell, we’re even a little exhilarated by India’s epic chase.
A return to proper Test match cricket has produced not only a magnificent game but the perfect cricketing riposte to the horrors of Mumbai.
Monday, 1 December 2008
Family Fortunes
Watching events unfold in Mumbai through the fish eye of the news reels last week filled us with sufficient horror to momentarily forget our usual sense of spurting joy.
We hesitate to use the drab old saw about giving a real sense of perspective, but those pictures from India delivered it like a Curtly Ambrose bouncer to the temple.
Naturally enough England’s last two one-dayers were cancelled and the side scampered home, to contemplate revised itineraries and debate safety reports and when - indeed, if - they should go back.
Well they should.
Yup easy for us to say, with no WAGs or kids tugging at the heartstrings. But here’s why we think England must return to play the Test series.
The players’ safety is almost guaranteed now; these attacks succeeded mainly because of their surprise nature, that won’t happen again. England’s players will be safe.
There’s certainly an argument too about not letting the terrorists win and making sure their tactics don’t disrupt the normal rhythms of life.
Yet the most compelling reason of all why England should go back is to simply show solidarity and sympathy with the Indian team and its amazing supporters, even if means we end up being beaten hollow (which seems likely).
England and India have had their differences as the power struggle in modern cricket plays out, but events like this remind us that ultimately we’re all part of the same cricketing family. In times like these, the family should look after its own.
We hesitate to use the drab old saw about giving a real sense of perspective, but those pictures from India delivered it like a Curtly Ambrose bouncer to the temple.
Naturally enough England’s last two one-dayers were cancelled and the side scampered home, to contemplate revised itineraries and debate safety reports and when - indeed, if - they should go back.
Well they should.
Yup easy for us to say, with no WAGs or kids tugging at the heartstrings. But here’s why we think England must return to play the Test series.
The players’ safety is almost guaranteed now; these attacks succeeded mainly because of their surprise nature, that won’t happen again. England’s players will be safe.
There’s certainly an argument too about not letting the terrorists win and making sure their tactics don’t disrupt the normal rhythms of life.
Yet the most compelling reason of all why England should go back is to simply show solidarity and sympathy with the Indian team and its amazing supporters, even if means we end up being beaten hollow (which seems likely).
England and India have had their differences as the power struggle in modern cricket plays out, but events like this remind us that ultimately we’re all part of the same cricketing family. In times like these, the family should look after its own.
Monday, 10 November 2008
Ashes to Ashes: The Countdown begins
That’s it, we can’t put it off any longer, consider our stopwatch officially checked, wound and the button on top depressed as the official World of Spurt countdown to next year’s Ashes finally and totally begins.
This is it people, there’s no turning back now, prepare yourself for a winter of Aussie-baiting and a summer of Aussie-thrashing as next summer’s Cric-pocalypse, the mother of all series hoves into view.
We promise to license that poodle rock theme tune by Europe, produce our own merchandise and well pretty much everything you’d expect, to give our coverage the edge over the likes of Sky etc.
Hm, too much? Yet we needed something to cheer us up on this bleak Monday afternoon with the rain coming down outside like so many gallons of piss, and there it was... the Aussie’s losing 2-0 to India.
While It’s way too early to call for the moment, we remain as optimistic as a polygamist who thinks ‘third time lucky’, urged on by the biggest and most important factor of all: no Warne and McGrath.
Our spurting second hand can’t tick around quick enough.
This is it people, there’s no turning back now, prepare yourself for a winter of Aussie-baiting and a summer of Aussie-thrashing as next summer’s Cric-pocalypse, the mother of all series hoves into view.
We promise to license that poodle rock theme tune by Europe, produce our own merchandise and well pretty much everything you’d expect, to give our coverage the edge over the likes of Sky etc.
Hm, too much? Yet we needed something to cheer us up on this bleak Monday afternoon with the rain coming down outside like so many gallons of piss, and there it was... the Aussie’s losing 2-0 to India.
While It’s way too early to call for the moment, we remain as optimistic as a polygamist who thinks ‘third time lucky’, urged on by the biggest and most important factor of all: no Warne and McGrath.
Our spurting second hand can’t tick around quick enough.
Tuesday, 12 August 2008
England v SAF series round up...
So it ended with a reasonably convincing England win at the Oval yesterday, but South Africa took the 2-1 series victory.It’s been a difficult series to assess overall, particularly given we missed the decisive third test but we suspect it’s probably just about the right result and now the SAFs take over the mantle of the ‘side most likely to stuff the Aussies’.
It’s going to be a corker this winter, but where did it all go wrong for England? Well one word, ‘selection’. You’ve got to get the right team on the field for a start and virtually from the off, we simply didn’t do so.
From the confused selection of Pattinson, to the stubborn refusal to ice Ambrose, to just realising that you need a balanced side, to myriad other clangers, their were more howlers than a convocation of werewolves.
They say a series can hang on the smallest of details – but if you get the big ones wrong you simply don’t have a chance.
Perhaps most damage has been done with the resignation of Michael Vaughan, who though going through a bad trot, was still the best captain of recent years. Vaughan was a highly skilled all-rounder being both captain and batsman and the obvious solution to just drop down to the middle order simply didn’t happen.
But it’s done now and there’s no going back. As for KP? Well he’s certainly got the cojones, no doubt, already bullishly saying “Bring on the Aussies” but can he develop the all-round captaincy skills we’ll need to make a decent fist of it? We’ll see I guess.
In the meantime we’ve consoled ourselves with watching YouTube footage of amazing new Sri Lankan ‘mystery’ spinner Ajantha Mendis who’s an off-leg spinner with a mean doosra all in one...
As if Murali wasn’t enough, where on earth do Sri Lanka find them? And more importantly are you watching Monty?
We fear there’s trouble ahead...
Ooh we’ve just noticed there’s btw 100th post – a century all of our own! At last!
Friday, 18 July 2008
Who are ya?
Now we’re all for a bit of novelty as our occasional penchant for uni-cycling, fire-juggling, lady strippers attests, but England selectors, this morning you really are having the proverbial giraffe.
Darren who? Oh Pattinson…. a Grimsby born roofing artisan from Melbourne who’s played 11 first-class matches for Notts and was originally scheduled to take his progeny to Alton Towers today.
Okay he’s got a decent average and has been taking wickets by the hatful, but this has to be the most left field selection since Sharon Osbourne fronted up that one-off Girls Aloud gig when Cheryl Cole had a dodgy tum*.
Now we’ve had some unlikely names creep into the England reckoning over the years, Joey Benjamin, Martin McCague and Gavin Hamilton ub the debit ledger and even Marcus Trescothick was plucked out of obscurity before he went onto became England’s Banger and a mainstay of the side.
But Pattinson? That is truly and remarkably unusual and how will it make the queue of bowling worthies like Simon Jones, Chris Tremlett, Matthew Hoggard, and even Steve Harmison feel?
Duncan Fletcher used to get take stick for sticking by his guns, but this is a case of not so much as next cab off the rank, but as summoning the next cab from the outer orbit of Uranus.
He’ll probably take 40-7 now.
*This might have been a strange, unusual and fairly disturbing dream or we may just have made it up…
Darren who? Oh Pattinson…. a Grimsby born roofing artisan from Melbourne who’s played 11 first-class matches for Notts and was originally scheduled to take his progeny to Alton Towers today.
Okay he’s got a decent average and has been taking wickets by the hatful, but this has to be the most left field selection since Sharon Osbourne fronted up that one-off Girls Aloud gig when Cheryl Cole had a dodgy tum*.
Now we’ve had some unlikely names creep into the England reckoning over the years, Joey Benjamin, Martin McCague and Gavin Hamilton ub the debit ledger and even Marcus Trescothick was plucked out of obscurity before he went onto became England’s Banger and a mainstay of the side.
But Pattinson? That is truly and remarkably unusual and how will it make the queue of bowling worthies like Simon Jones, Chris Tremlett, Matthew Hoggard, and even Steve Harmison feel?
Duncan Fletcher used to get take stick for sticking by his guns, but this is a case of not so much as next cab off the rank, but as summoning the next cab from the outer orbit of Uranus.
He’ll probably take 40-7 now.
*This might have been a strange, unusual and fairly disturbing dream or we may just have made it up…
Monday, 14 July 2008
England v SAF final day...
So it’s day five of the first Test and with SAF sitting comfortably on 312-1 at lunch. the draw looks more certain than a Geordie bird six pints to the good.
Of course the SAF’s have done well but the pitch has run true to form and been more placid than a pensioner on Prozac. Yet is it has also pointed towards a real lack of true firepower and penetration in the England attack, perhaps vindicating Duncan Fletcher’s long held view that you must have real pace or world class spin to force the pace on these benign featherbeds.
The return of the Fred is palpable and almost inevitable now as we whistle up our one true World Class performer – but who should he replace and how will it affect the balance of the side? There’s a few imponderables like is Ryan Sidebottom fit and if not, in comes Simon Jones/Chris Tremlett depending on the Headingley pitch.
Bell also goes up to three and Vaughan down to five so here’s our XI to face the SAFs on Friday....
Cook
Strauss
Bell
KP
Vaughan
Flintoff
Prior
Broad
Sidebottom/ Simon Jones/ Chris Tremlett
Anderson
Panesar
Of course the SAF’s have done well but the pitch has run true to form and been more placid than a pensioner on Prozac. Yet is it has also pointed towards a real lack of true firepower and penetration in the England attack, perhaps vindicating Duncan Fletcher’s long held view that you must have real pace or world class spin to force the pace on these benign featherbeds.
The return of the Fred is palpable and almost inevitable now as we whistle up our one true World Class performer – but who should he replace and how will it affect the balance of the side? There’s a few imponderables like is Ryan Sidebottom fit and if not, in comes Simon Jones/Chris Tremlett depending on the Headingley pitch.
Bell also goes up to three and Vaughan down to five so here’s our XI to face the SAFs on Friday....
Cook
Strauss
Bell
KP
Vaughan
Flintoff
Prior
Broad
Sidebottom/ Simon Jones/ Chris Tremlett
Anderson
Panesar
Wednesday, 9 July 2008
Eng v SAF: series preview
Well now all that summer footy and tennis is out of the way we can return to the proper summer game and the arrival of the Proteas for a four-Test series.
Now it’s difficult to think of SAF without the famous Spitting Image song*, but we have worked alongside a few of them and can confirm they’re not all boorish, prejudiced, barbecue-munching Afrikaners – (just most of them are).
Still there’s every indication that this year’s cricketing vintage will provide a suitably testing examination ahead of next year’s visit of the Aussies. The much vaunted pacemen are an interesting prospect with Makhaya Ntini particularly impressive and Morkel, Stein and Nel all pacy, aggressive by turns and looking to earn their spurs.
But it’s the batting line-up which most impresses with Graham Smith, AB De Villiers, Mark Boucher and Jacques Kallis proven performers (though World Class Kallis is now surely on a gentle downward slope). Ashwell Prince and especially Hashim Amla (sporter of one of the finest beards in cricket) also look good prospects.
There’s lots of 2-0, 3-0 SAF predictions from the pundits, but it’s going to be a lot closer than that and we think a 1-1 draw is most likely.
Chinks in the armour? Well the only weak link is the spinning department where Monty easily outguns Paul Harris and the frankly piss-poor pre-series mind games of coach Mickey Arthur which have been about as intimidating as a tickle-fight with a toddler.
Yet the real barrier exists in the minds of the SAFs themselves. In England they’ve always been chokers, lacking the self-belief to put the boot when the home side are down.
It’s a mindset they’ll have to change if those lesser pundits predictions are going to come anywhere near true.
Now it’s difficult to think of SAF without the famous Spitting Image song*, but we have worked alongside a few of them and can confirm they’re not all boorish, prejudiced, barbecue-munching Afrikaners – (just most of them are).
Still there’s every indication that this year’s cricketing vintage will provide a suitably testing examination ahead of next year’s visit of the Aussies. The much vaunted pacemen are an interesting prospect with Makhaya Ntini particularly impressive and Morkel, Stein and Nel all pacy, aggressive by turns and looking to earn their spurs.
But it’s the batting line-up which most impresses with Graham Smith, AB De Villiers, Mark Boucher and Jacques Kallis proven performers (though World Class Kallis is now surely on a gentle downward slope). Ashwell Prince and especially Hashim Amla (sporter of one of the finest beards in cricket) also look good prospects.
There’s lots of 2-0, 3-0 SAF predictions from the pundits, but it’s going to be a lot closer than that and we think a 1-1 draw is most likely.
Chinks in the armour? Well the only weak link is the spinning department where Monty easily outguns Paul Harris and the frankly piss-poor pre-series mind games of coach Mickey Arthur which have been about as intimidating as a tickle-fight with a toddler.
Yet the real barrier exists in the minds of the SAFs themselves. In England they’ve always been chokers, lacking the self-belief to put the boot when the home side are down.
It’s a mindset they’ll have to change if those lesser pundits predictions are going to come anywhere near true.
Friday, 6 June 2008
Modesty Forbids
Where we spurt others most surely follow and while modest forbids and all that, it was undoubtedly the Spurt wot done it with Wednesday’s fine upstanding column finally tipping the balance and ensuring Cristiano went public on his fondly held desire to head off to sunny Spain next season.
But enough of our triumphs and onto England’s. Ahem. Following yesterday utter disarray when our middle order made a Saturday night post pub kebab shop queue look orderly and well disciplined, it was down to good ol’ KP to rescue us with a thrilling century which not so much hauled the fat out of the fire, but shoved it to bottom the freezer and supercooled it for three months.
With a fine supporting act from diminutive Tim Ambrose it was the best last hope stand since a combined Welsh XI held off the Zulus at the Rorke’s Drift oval in 1879.
There’s been much talk of not changing a winning team, consistency of selection and backing players even if they’re totally out of form and couldn’t hit a ban door with a sledgehammer and to an extent that is true; to the extent that it’s absolute bollocks.
Not changing a winning team? If the Fred was fit he’d walk straight back in. End of.
Loyalty to players in a bad trot is fine up to a point but just like certainderanged evangelical Christians who went faced with a difficult dilemma ask ‘What would Jesus do?’, the cricketing equivalent is asking ‘what would the Aussies do?
The answer is drop Bell and Collingwood like a shot and bring in Ravi Bopara and poor neglected Owais Shah.
Toodle pip.
But enough of our triumphs and onto England’s. Ahem. Following yesterday utter disarray when our middle order made a Saturday night post pub kebab shop queue look orderly and well disciplined, it was down to good ol’ KP to rescue us with a thrilling century which not so much hauled the fat out of the fire, but shoved it to bottom the freezer and supercooled it for three months.
With a fine supporting act from diminutive Tim Ambrose it was the best last hope stand since a combined Welsh XI held off the Zulus at the Rorke’s Drift oval in 1879.
There’s been much talk of not changing a winning team, consistency of selection and backing players even if they’re totally out of form and couldn’t hit a ban door with a sledgehammer and to an extent that is true; to the extent that it’s absolute bollocks.
Not changing a winning team? If the Fred was fit he’d walk straight back in. End of.
Loyalty to players in a bad trot is fine up to a point but just like certain
The answer is drop Bell and Collingwood like a shot and bring in Ravi Bopara and poor neglected Owais Shah.
Toodle pip.
Tuesday, 3 June 2008
Cricket loathly cricket
So much on the radar today including Max Mosely’s surviving his vote of no confidence over the Nazi Orgy of Shame, poor old Gazza sectioned for his ongoing woes and Sir Alex Ferguson’s in-depth interview which is being trailed all around Sky where he admits his biggest disappointment was not signing the troubled Geordie genius (oh how different it might all have been if that had happened).
However bucking the trend we’re going to write about none of that and instead concentrate on BBC4’s excellent Not Cricket season, which last night told the stories of Hansie ‘hands in your pocket’ Cronje and Basil D’Olivera.
Cronje’s tale, the Captain and The Bookmaker was an interesting doc and if anything only increased our loathing for the South African crook who brought the great game into disrepute because it highlighted even further how he exploited the non-white players under his charge to further his grubby financial ends. Even so, he ended up seeming to be a figure to be pitied rather than hated.
Even more fascinating though were two allegations from Marlon Aronstam the bookie concerned, who reckoned Cronje wasn’t caught by the Indian police, but they were tipped off by powerful Indian bookies because Cronje didn’t deliver the results they asked for.
Of even more concern was the revelation that Cronje had joint bank accounts with some 70 other players from that period of the game and that Aronstam believed that Cronje was essentially scapegoated for the far more numerous international players were on the take. Sure Aronstam could have been sensationalising for effect, but those beady little eyes seemed in deadly earnest.
A more heartening tale was that of Basil ‘Dolly’ D’Olivera, the South African batting genius whose prodigious batting talent eventually helped to ultimately bring down the loathsome apartheid regime. Pure gold helped by the fact that D’Olivera is still alive and able to shed fascinating insight into the contemporary issues and a true reminder that sport can be a powerful force for change in the real world.
If you’re quick you’ll be able to catch them both on the BBC I-Player and add to your Broadband service providers bandwidth woes.
However bucking the trend we’re going to write about none of that and instead concentrate on BBC4’s excellent Not Cricket season, which last night told the stories of Hansie ‘hands in your pocket’ Cronje and Basil D’Olivera.
Cronje’s tale, the Captain and The Bookmaker was an interesting doc and if anything only increased our loathing for the South African crook who brought the great game into disrepute because it highlighted even further how he exploited the non-white players under his charge to further his grubby financial ends. Even so, he ended up seeming to be a figure to be pitied rather than hated.
Even more fascinating though were two allegations from Marlon Aronstam the bookie concerned, who reckoned Cronje wasn’t caught by the Indian police, but they were tipped off by powerful Indian bookies because Cronje didn’t deliver the results they asked for.
Of even more concern was the revelation that Cronje had joint bank accounts with some 70 other players from that period of the game and that Aronstam believed that Cronje was essentially scapegoated for the far more numerous international players were on the take. Sure Aronstam could have been sensationalising for effect, but those beady little eyes seemed in deadly earnest.
A more heartening tale was that of Basil ‘Dolly’ D’Olivera, the South African batting genius whose prodigious batting talent eventually helped to ultimately bring down the loathsome apartheid regime. Pure gold helped by the fact that D’Olivera is still alive and able to shed fascinating insight into the contemporary issues and a true reminder that sport can be a powerful force for change in the real world.
If you’re quick you’ll be able to catch them both on the BBC I-Player and add to your Broadband service providers bandwidth woes.
Wednesday, 26 March 2008
Reasons to be cheerful?
So as we predicted yesterday, England finally broke the habit of a lifetime and came back to win the series against New Zealand 2-1.
But what does this mean for the team and what does it bode for a tough summer ahead of the Aussies visit next year? Well it’s a bit of a mixed bag. On the one hand winning any series is welcome and England haven’t won away since Sri Lanka three years ago. Coming from 1-0 behind to turn around a three-Test series is no also mean feat, so on the surface at least, there’s plenty to be positive about.
But - and just like Nigella’s - it’s a big ‘but’, the Kiwis are probably the weakest Test playing nation outside Bangladesh and Zimbabwe, so there’s no reason to crack open the bubbly quite yet.
Yet, there are reasons to be cheerful especially in the bowling department. Ryan Sidebottom’s emerged as the real leader of the bowling pack and Stuart Broad looks like he could become an all-rounder of genuine potential. Nice to see Monty back in the wickets too (eventually), but the jury is still out on Harmy and Anderson, while Hoggy will have to put in some work to earn his place back.
Now the batsmen. Well Collingwood and Bell emerge with real credit and it was good to see KP back in some kind of form back after his comparative recent lull, but for the rest of the willow-wielders it’s case unproven. The top three of Cook, Vaughan and especially Strauss still have plenty of work to do before the Aussies start looking over their shoulders. The return fixture can't come soon enough and England will need to hand the Black Caps a comprehensive thrashing on home soil to carry some momentum through to South Africa during this long, hot summer.
But what does this mean for the team and what does it bode for a tough summer ahead of the Aussies visit next year? Well it’s a bit of a mixed bag. On the one hand winning any series is welcome and England haven’t won away since Sri Lanka three years ago. Coming from 1-0 behind to turn around a three-Test series is no also mean feat, so on the surface at least, there’s plenty to be positive about.
But - and just like Nigella’s - it’s a big ‘but’, the Kiwis are probably the weakest Test playing nation outside Bangladesh and Zimbabwe, so there’s no reason to crack open the bubbly quite yet.
Yet, there are reasons to be cheerful especially in the bowling department. Ryan Sidebottom’s emerged as the real leader of the bowling pack and Stuart Broad looks like he could become an all-rounder of genuine potential. Nice to see Monty back in the wickets too (eventually), but the jury is still out on Harmy and Anderson, while Hoggy will have to put in some work to earn his place back.
Now the batsmen. Well Collingwood and Bell emerge with real credit and it was good to see KP back in some kind of form back after his comparative recent lull, but for the rest of the willow-wielders it’s case unproven. The top three of Cook, Vaughan and especially Strauss still have plenty of work to do before the Aussies start looking over their shoulders. The return fixture can't come soon enough and England will need to hand the Black Caps a comprehensive thrashing on home soil to carry some momentum through to South Africa during this long, hot summer.
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