Happy new year, Heureux Nouvelle Année, feliz año Nuevo ...and all that innit?

And boooom! Just like a Stevie G head butt we’re back! It’s the cold hard shell shock of the first day back at the coalface and we’re still reeling after eleven days of late rising, slack living, alcoholic indulgence and Christmas pudding overload.

Ah the true spirit of Christmas... How was it for you?

Still, during these long bleak dog days as the New Year slowly starts to form and come into focus, there’s been no lack of spurting action to get our teeth into.

The award for most surprising event goes to Stevie G for the ‘incident’ in the night club and kidding aside, we hope the Scouse and England midfield dynamo gets away Scot-free. Some players undoubtedly deserve to be on the wrong end of a nightclub shooing, but not Stevie G, who, is so virtuous we are told, he drops farts of the purest perfume.

Elsewhere, a splendid FA Cup third round threw up the usual shock and some little awe with self-styled ‘richest club in the world’ Man City falling on their arses to lowly Notts Forest. That played most mightily on our chuckle bone - hilarious.

Murky Ides of March doings in the world of cricket too with KP on the point of ousting Peter Moores from his position as England coach. It’s always dangerous to change horses mid-race, especially with the Ashes looming but better now we suppose than then.

Moores was a political appointment (the first fruit of the ECB’s Elite coaching program) but has never struck us as having the cojones. The tale of the tape does not lie and England have become measurably worse since Moore’s arrival.

Time to put him out to grass we say and our pick and first prediction of the NY is to draft in Dav Whatmore. He's big, he's not fashionable and he used to sport a hilarious moustache, but he always got the best out of any team he coached and we'll need that kind of grit for the Aussie showdown this summer.

Toodle pip!

Enger-land versus Belarus: post-match analysis

It’s our best ever start we’ve had to a competition and we don’t mean that tenner we’ve just spunked on lucky dips for tomorrow night’s Euro Millions.

Last night Minsk was the arena for another splendid showing from Senor Fabio’s new look ie. actually pretty good Enger-land as they negotiated a tough away fixture against technically tidy opposition, eventually putting Belarus to the sword 3-1.

The old England would have been lucky to scrape a draw in a game like this not even six months ago.

A decent start capped by Gerrard's virtuoso strike was marred by a deserved equaliser for Belarus, who played us off the park for perhaps 20 minutes to pull the scores level at half-time.

Senor Fabio continued to show he’s worth every one of the millions he’s paid and possibly even a few more by turning the game completely around in the second half. Don’t know what he puts in their half-time tea, or whether he gives them the hairdryer, but whatever it’s working.

Upping the work to deny Belarus time to weave their magic worked a treat, Heskey pounded the centre backs, Rooney’s on fire and hell even Wayne Bridge looked like he knew one end of a touchline from the other. Heartening stuff.

We’ve had more false starts than Ussain Bolt’s rivals, but finally, for long suffering Enger-land fans ottimismo is no longer an untranslatable word .

Enger-land - the eternal dilemma

It’s probably only an England fan that could look at a 5-1 pasting of Borat’s brethren and see the down side, but alas even with Saturday’s spectacular scoreline still reverberating around our foreheads, all is not well in the state of Denmark this Monday lunchtime.

Sven, Steve Mclaren they both tried it to make it work, so we suppose Senor Fabio deserved his chance too, but surely Saturday’s game proved once and for all that Stephen Gerrard and Frank Lampard can’t be accommodated in the same midfield.

We have two world class players who play in exactly the same role, sure it’s an embarrassment of riches, but call it what you will, two does not go into one in this case and the blend of the team is suffering when they both play.

It’s an old cliché but the best players do not necessarily make the best team.

We’d probably give Stevie G the slight nod as the better all around player, but ‘Fat’ Frank played very well against Croatia and whoever he picks now, Senor Fabio has to choose one and leave the other warming the bench.

As for Ashley Cole’s mistake: good player but very difficult man to like.

We’d probably have booed him anyway.

Enger-land

And just like that we’re back from the land of Po, where we’ve been accompanying the normally less-than-devout Mrs Spurt as she watched her niece take the first tentative step on the long path of unholy indoctrination and mind control by the Catholic mafia take part in the joyous celebration that is first holy communion.

Now we don’t usually ‘do’ Fridays considering them the day of spurting rest as we’ve often noted in the past, but due to the lack of recent updates we thought we’d better ‘knock one out’ just in case you thought we’d died or gone senile or something.

And so it is to the ahem highlight of the sporting week, England’s ahem mighty 2-0 victory over Uncle Sam’s yanks (in your face George Bush!), which as our mate Misogyny Mike noted was like “having sex with a fat bird, not exactly pretty to watch, but if you closed your eyes at the appropriate moment, you usually get the right result in the end.’

So what did we learn and what would our esteemed advice be to Senor Fabio (we know he tunes in occasionally for help with the long words and more importantly, we’re considered a set text on the Sporting English for Foreigners primer)?

Well, we look solid enough at the back and JT, Rio and Ashley Cole are naturals although Wes Brown might eventually have to make way for Micah Richards when he returns.

Even ‘Calamity’ looks solid between the sticks and there’s a phrase we never thought we’d end up writing, but fair play to David James, he’s earned the number one slot until the next high profile howler.

Up front Rooney’s natural position is support striker (and angry young man) and we need Owen fit and ready for the qualifiers when things begin in earnest next Autumn. The alternatives are sparse, Crouch provides a ganglier and much underated option, but Defoe failed to convince and looks set for more bench warming duties in the near future. Dean Ashton may well get his chance.

Midfield? Ah the ever tricky equation. In the centre it’s Gerrard or Lampard for us, which means it’s Stevie G, who, dovetailing with Gareth Barry looks the best combo right now. Hargreaves is a great enforcer in the Makele role and it’s two or even all three of these which should form the core of midfield with Becks or Bentley on the right, Joe Cole an alternative on the left.

Easy as, that’ll be six million quid Mr FA.