Newcastle Find New Owner

After the reports in The Sun today concerning the rumoured bid for Newcastle Football Club, we at the Spurt have intercepted the initial communication from Nigeria. Here it is, below:

"Thanks for your mail, I am really interested in your Football Club.I will pay £250 million pounds for it as I have been a lifelong fan of the mighty barcodes. Please i will want to indicate my mode of payment to you since i am not in the United Kingdom at the moment and there is a Company in the United Kingdom that is indebted to me in the amount of £347 million. So i will want to really seek your Assistance at this point,That i will want you to forward to me the the following informations below that i will need to forward to the Company indebted to me so that they can make out the payment directly to you and after you have cashed it in your bank,You will have the excess amount on the payment sent to my International Shipping agent via WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER ,All charges you are to pay at the western union office when sending the excess amount of £97 million should be deducted from my balance, So you don't have to bother yourself about that, if you find yourself short of funds for this perhaps you could sell a player or two? The reason for this is that,The Company indebted to me say they cannot make out the payment in two installment except once, And since i am purchasing your Football Club from you at this time,I will want to really be sure that my funds will be safe in your hands as i will want to entrust my money unto your care,So inorder for us to complete the purchase of the Football Club now,I will want you to get back to me with your full contact information inorder for me to forward it to the Company indebted to me inorder for them to make out the payment in your name and send it to you ithout any furtherdelay.

Do confirm this mail and get back to me as soon as possible. I'm really looking forward to owning Newcastle United and I'm sure I'll be a step up from the previous owners."

Now this email looks a bit fishy to us, but we're assured that it is the genuine article. And the last bit has a ring of truth about it ..

Legal Eagles

More legal news today (call us Rumpo of the Bailey’s coffee) as Sheffield United look to be quids in following an independent tribunal’s verdict that Carlos Tevez was worth three points to West Ham during the 2006-2007 season.

Surely the assassin-faced Argentinean hitman was worth a deal more than that? Well possibly, but Tevez also scored the goal that secured the vital three points that kept the Hammers up and condemned the Blades to walk the relegation plank.

His registration was highly suspect and it was harsh on Sheffield at the time, but surely claiming back £30 million in compensation now is equally harsh on the current West Ham?

Predictably Lewis Hamilton won’t be picking up any additional points after an appeal against his controversial penalty in the Belgian Grand Prix was not even heard.

Hamilton’s case is a lot better than Sheffield’s but it’s never an edifying spectacle when anyone attempts to settle sporting matters at the bar rather than on the pitch.

The goal that never was...

We’re just like The Beatles today, here, there and everywhere and after a weekend spent up in the grim north, we’re still struggling to find our Southern mojo.

Further geographical dislocation comes in today’s Football League decision not to replay the Reading v Watford game after Saturday’s goal that never was.

For those who missed it, Reading were awarded a goal after the ball dribbled over the goal line on the wrong side of the post and the linesman, who’s eyesight would frankly make a bat look sharp and eagle-eyed, maintained it was all down to - and-we-shit-you-not-this-is-an-actual-quote an ‘optical illusion’.

Now we’re divided, we now live in the ‘Ding (it’s like the Nam, only with slightly fewer snipers) and have always had a soft spot for Steve Coppell’s men. But we’re lifelong Hornets fans and it seems grossly unfair to not only rob us of a victory, but maintain all the yellow cards and cautions we got from complaining against .

Still, we’re reluctantly forced to agree, you can’t exactly replay a game just because the ref gets something wrong, otherwise we’d never finish a weekend, let alone a season.

It’s just one further bit of shit luck, in what promises to be a decidedly shit season.

Forgiveness

Not much doing on the sporting front today, apparently there’s some golf going on or something and Nick Faldo’s revealed his Open pairings. Sounds painful but two competing motives vie for our affections on the receipt of this news: firstly couldn’t give less of a shit about golf if were a constipated water buffalo which is only slightly offset by our natural urge to beat the Yanks at anything at all costs.

So go Europe for the win, yay! Dominate those links! Sink those putts. Or something.

Ahem anyway the only other item of interest was the return of Cristiano Ronaldo who was apparently met by a rousing standing ovation at Old Trafford when came off the bench in last night’s European tie.

Were we surprised by the lack of outrage from the Man Utd fans? Not much. Despite
Ronny practically lying on his back with legs akimbo for Real all summer, nothing was ever properly consummated and United fans know they need faithless young Ronny on board if they’re going to have any hope of remaining English and European champions this season.

Still it’s not exactly going to be an easy marriage when despite the apparent and very public rapprochement, Ronny’s still willing to commit footy adultery first opportunity he gets.

Conspiracy Theories

Spare a thought for shy retiring wallflower Sir Alex Ferguson today, as it looks like he’ll be up before the beak again.

Fergy’s in the steaming stuff after claiming that referees’ boss Keith Hackett was apparently involved in letting John Terry off with a slapped wrist after the England skipper’s straight red against Man City on Saturday.

Now Sir Alex isn’t exactly the most unbiased individual, understandably sees the world through Red Devil tinted shades and probably sees more conspiracy theories than an Alabama Survivalist’s message board... but on this occasion we have to agree with him.

Terry got a deserved red for ‘serious foul play’ which FIFA defines as "excessive force ...against an opponent" and Terry’s rugby-style tackle on Jo certainly falls under that heading. To rescind that card so quickly and to send the ref involved to the lower league doghouse sure looks a bit suss, particularly given Chelsea ‘welcome’ Man Utd this weekend.

Not that Fergy hasn’t been his usual calm balanced self with his reaction being slightly more over-the-top than a Dennis Wise patella breaker.

But we’re pretty sure he’s right when he says the same wouldn’t have happened if it had been a United player.

Chelsea the new Ferrari?

A tale of two Ronaldos

When Man City’s new owners said they were going to sign Ronaldo, we’re pretty sure they had Cristiano rather than Luis Nazário de Lima in mind...

Still it’s with a sad upside downy smile and a heavy heart we have to report breaking news this lunchtime that gap-toothed wunderkind, ex-Brazilian goal machine and World Cup final dodger Ronaldo will not be signing for Man City this season.

Sadly another footballing dream must die, crushed by the cold harsh weight of reality, but still it’s an opportunity wasted in our book, an opportunity to send a clear message to the rest of the businessmen, billionaires and would-be owners currently circling the premier League like a pack of bloated vultures.

Yes Ronaldo is not the player he was: his weight’s up, his skills are down and he might struggle to pass a fitness test for the Telly Tubbies (although he did bang in 9 goals in 20 games for Milan last year), but City could have made an impact by snapping him up.

As a statement of intent Ronaldo’s signing could not have been clearer and that statement would have read, “We’re now so loaded we can afford to have big boy loafing about in the stands on a £100,000 a week and not even blink. So what are the rest of you gonna do?”

For Sale

A weekend’s sojourn into the pastoral idyll of the New Forest does wonders for our fearfully depleted mental reserves, but leaves little time for sporting endeavours.

However on our return late Sunday evening, we did notice this little ad squirreled away in one of the darkest corners of the net.

"For Sale: Wor Club"

Frightfully used football club. Long mileage, low record of success, few modern redeeming features. No previous careful owners and now being offloaded as no longer wanted. Requires large rudder but comes free replica shirt with King Kev no.1 on the back (XXL).

Optional Extras include: Totally unrealistic fan expectations, belief that TV pundit can become Geordie messiah and free poison chalice.

Would suit: Anyone able to pour bottomless pits of cash straight into the Tyne.

Contact M. Ashley Sports Tat Direct c/o USA”

Sounds attractive non? Any takers?

Miracles Do Happen

WTF is the world coming to? Not to an end evidently following Wednesday’s CERN black hole experiment (well not yet anyway, we’re still here in all our misery), but something’s up.

England thrash Croatia 4-1 away and Setanta relent on their previously tight arse position to deny the long suffering sports fan highlights of future England games.

It’s evident something in the fabric of reality has subtlety altered. Was it the Spurt wot done it or the large Hadron accelerator? We’re making no claims, but it’s funny how the stars sometimes align.

But of course the story of the week is Senor Fabio’s New England. We say ‘new’ because this was like watching a team of strangers, ones that could actually play football.

Theo gets the plaudits naturally and rightly so after scoring a superb hat-trick, but this was a team performance of exceptional quality. Not flawless of course, there was time for Calamity to have the odd flap and the Coles to look distressed, but Heskey, Rooney and the rest finally looked like a properly balanced team and played like one too.

England’s overall possession was 61%. They passed well and retained possession and stroked it around like a bunch of Brazilians in the second half - even spectacularly failing to get a dose of the jitters when Croatia pulled a spawny one back with ten minutes to go (and instead preferring to keep playing and put another one pass the exasperated Croats).

There’s still plenty of time for it all to go to shit naturally and seasoned England watchers have seen too many false dawns to start rejoicing prematurely.

But it seems Senor Fabio certainly has the magic touch. His middle name isn’t Gandalf by any chance? Maybe its something to do with those glasses?

A quick one - Watford till I die

‘Only time for a quick one today’, as we often say to Mrs Spurt, as that cursed sapper of our leisurely spurting discourses ‘work’ intervenes to keep our spurting contribution to a minimum.

Still we couldn’t let this one lie , with the batshit insane quite normal and not-sanity-defying-in-any-way news that the Bundisliga's Hamburg are going to be the first football team to offer a stadium-side cemetery where fans or rather ex-fans will be able to get a grandstand view of the pitch-side action post-mortem.

"Many people think it's crazy and a strange idea," Hamburg board member Christian Reichert told German newspaper Suddeutsche Zeitung. "But our plan is to capture worldwide attention with a serious venture."

No shit Christian. We only hope our beloved Watford, the mighty Hornets, are working on a plan to offer us similar facilities for the afterlife.

We always knew they’d drive us to the grave one day.

Setanta Ranter part 3

Once again Steve B joins the Spurt to well and truly put the boot in on the troubled Irish rights holder provide depth and insight into the Setanta situation.

There have been new developments regarding Setanta – leading me to believe that we may hear more of those delicious “We hate Setanta” chants in Croatia tonight. I’m an avid Five Live devotee, and this morning, Victoria Derbyshire hosted a discussion on the England-Croatia game. All of a sudden it mutated into – guess what – a vehement discussion about how impossible it is to extricate yourself from a Setanta subscription.

Sound like a familiar subject? It took Victoria by surprise. Which just goes to show that she needs to start reading World of Spurt. Indeed, I emailed her, detailing my Setanta woes, and adding a helpful click-through to Setanta ranter. Alas, no response. But here’s a telling comment on her blog:

Seems I'm not alone in feeling the pain...

Give us back our sport

Fresh developments today on the whole Setanta highlights debacle which Steve B’s so eloquently dissected below, with Labour MP John Grogan demanding that World Cup Qualifier highlights should join the list of protected sporting events.

A rare sunbeam of sanity in a black void of sporting despair, Grogan’s call is of course welcome, but shows just how far we’ve fallen from the ethos of being able to catch a glimpse of any of our national teams, without having to cough up a small fortune or heading pubwards in return.

England v Andorra marked another watershed moment in the long slow rape of free-to-air sport with no highlights on any terrestrial channel whatsoever. You might consider that a blessing having being spared the full horror, but with the Beeb and ITV refusing to pay through the nose – and Setanta counterclaiming they were too tight, the only people to lose out were the fans.

To put it in context: Even Uncle Rupe’s Sky could be relied on to do the decent thing after they’d shown the game live and it’s not exactly known as being the most generous and altruistic of broadcasting operations.

So we’ve got A-List events like Wimbledon and the FA cup which must be shown live on terrestrial TV and even Second Tier events which are guaranteed highlights, but they’re being eroded as surely as the East Anglia coastline. Remember when cricket use to be A-List? How long before another bunch of chancers get to build their fortune by exerting a strangehold on our passion for sport?

Ultimately all it will do is damage the off-the-air sports themselves, who lest they forget are in direct competition with free-to-air and accessible sports for people’s time and affections. If you can’t see it, you simply won’t support it, something the FA might care to remember next time they discover Wembley tickets and replica shirt sales have gone through the floor.

Setanta Ranter Part 2

Once again we’re proud to welcome guest scribe Steve B who joins the Spurt for another Setanta rant and to weigh up England’s prospects in Croatia

Missed the England-Andorra game: I was tied up. In a Chelsea dungeon. OK, that’s not strictly true and, indeed, had I been in one of those infamous establishments favoured by Max Mosley, in search of the most esoteric dose of masochism available, then I probably would have seen England’s motley assemblage of multimillionaire chavs, dubious mobile phone-practitioners and lapdancer-shaggers strutting their by all accounts passionless and inept stuff. For what could be more masochistic than watching the England football team on Setanta?

A solid half an hour’s trawling around on Sky Plus confirmed what has since become a minor story: that if you object to subscribing to Setanta, as I do (having discovered last year that cancelling a Setanta subscription is harder than escaping from a set of shackles suspended from a dripping ceiling), you won’t even be able to see the highlights of England’s World Cup qualifiers. Or perhaps “highlights”, given that it’s England is the wrong word. With the Setanta deal, the FA have really outdone themselves (they’ve been putting out some choice “Nothing to do with us” quotes which, translated from FA-speak, mean: “We just took the money and ran. That’s what we do.”) Maybe they took the Irish folding stuff after realising they’d managed to unearth an outfit which was even less popular than themselves.

One good thing did emerge from England’s reputedly dire 2-0 victory, and I’m not talking about the amusing Andorran quotes about losing by a mere two goals being a “Moral victory”. Trying to gauge just how bad England were, I trawled the Sunday papers, many of which (especially the ones owned by Murdoch) reported that at one stage of the match, the England fans in Barcelona had chanted: “We hate Setanta”. Let’s hope this becomes a regular chant. Perhaps Capello could help by doing things like banishing the embarrassment known as Stuart Downing from the squad, selecting the man who has been England’s best player for ages – Joe Cole – from the start and generally decreasing the time it takes for England fans to get bored with booing their own players and to think of more imaginative (but no less valid) targets for their entirely understandable frustration and bile.

I will, however, go to a pub and watch Wednesday’s match against Croatia – not to sup hungrily upon whatever pearls of erudition might drop from Steve McManaman’s lips, but just to get a sense of Capello’s approach. Given that he has excluded Peter Crouch – the one available target-man who has a decent goals per game aggregate for England since Alan Shearer – from his squad (I have no problems with the absence of Michael Owen, the new Daren Anderton), I’m expecting England to do an Andorra and park their bus in front of goal. If England escape with a draw, then Fabio will deserve praise. Although even such a mediocre result is about as likely as the FA suddenly announcing that it has finally learned how to find its arse with both hands.


By Steve B

Post race recall

Out-rage-ous! You can colour us mightily pissed off today. We were originally going to go off on one with an extended rant on the iniquities of Setanta, who have unsportingly refused to share England highlights with a terrestrial audience.

But alas no that particular line of invective must wait for another time as our seething levels of bile have been sent surging by the Stewards Enquiry into yesterday’s Belgian Grand Prix.

Civilisation and possibly the entire world/omniverse as we know it may all be about to disappear into a black hole in Cern (and by the way did we miss a memo, which twat greenlighted that?) but some things are more important than the impending end of the world and civilisation as we know it.

At the end of one of the most exciting Grand Prixs in recent memory, which had us literally hopping and hollering on the sofa, the F1 stewards rescinded Lewis Hamilton’s win with a highly dubious penalty for cutting the chicane.

The story of the race? Capitalising on Hamilton’s early spin, Raikkonen dominated for nearly the entire race, but with just a few laps remaining, the rain began to fall and Lewis, back in the hunt, slowly began to reel in Kimi until he was right on his tail.

In the midst of a gripping old fashioned wheel-to-wheel duel in supremely sketchy conditions, Hamilton and Raikkonen go into the Bus Stop together and with Kimi holding his line. Rather than crash, Lewis is forced to run wide gaining a slight advantage, but crucially letting Kimi retake the lead as they cross the start-finish line.

Then it’s game on again and as Kimi tries to defend, Lewis makes a breathless pass on the inside before being rammed from behind at the next corner. Down the road Kimi overtakes again, before crashing out as both cars try to avoid a spinning backmarker and Hamilton using his supreme rainmaster skills, nursemaids the McLaren home, 14 seconds ahead of Massa for a superb win.

Or it should have been. The perfect rejoinder to a sport often accused of lacking excitement, this was nerve-shredding head-to-head racing at its finest and to sully the result with such a dubious recall does F1 absolutely no favours at all.

It also does nothing to dispel suspicions of an inherent Ferrari bias at its highest levels.

If the positions had been reversed and it was a Ferrari driver standing on the podium, say Michael Schumacher a few years ago, the suspicion lingers that the manoeuvre would have been applauded and the result would have been allowed to stand.

Such highly questionable decisions immensely damage F1’s credibility as the pinnacle of world motorsport.

Making it up...

Carefully considered thought-provoking insight and analysis into the hidden workings of the spurting world, or just making it up as we go along?

Hey we just write it, you decide!

So we welcome to One Liner Thursdays, the first and possibly only in an occasional series
where we take random shit words and events from the muddled pronouncements of top sporting figures and provide a scurrilous and/or sarcastic retort IN ONE LINE. Haha.

Imagine us as a sort of spurting digestive tract, ingesting quotes, facts and happennings, passing them through our acidic filter and them excreting them out as any old shit.

Ahem anyway, first up South Africa coach Micky Arthur and his excuse for the 4-0 drubbing by former One-Day also-rans England. Over to you Micky, “We are trying to identify a brand of cricket to play in one-day cricket and then identify players to pick to play that kind of brand."

Yup, Micky the brand you’re trying to identify? That would be the winning one. Next!

Aha, new Everton signing Louis Saha has offered to work for free until he reaches full fitness,

It’s sure going to be a long lean winter in the Saha household.

And finally, Brazil legend Pele thinks new Manchester City signing Robinho needs 'counselling' for turning down Chelsea and moving to Middle Eastlands.

Fair enough but we’re sure that 160,000 smackers a week means at least he won’t have to slum it in Group.

Badum-tish.

More One Liners coming soon, well as soon as we run out of other ideas anyway.

The Downfall of King Kev?

Amidst all the hype and furore surrounding Man City’s acquisition and the various fallout, bitterness, recriminations and hilarity as the transfer window was slammed shut, a rather poignant tale is emerging from the distant northern land of the Toon.

King Kev (Kevin Keegan) is apparently in ‘ongoing talks about his future at the club’, where he’s trapped in the managerial limbo between resigning and being sacked.

Was it really just eight short months ago that the man hailed as the Geordie Messiah took over from doomed Sam Allardyce? Is it really just eight short months for the ‘impossible job’ to have broken him?

Whether it’s a fallout with billionaire owner Mike Ashley, conflict with footballing director Dennis Wise (a man who would apparently start an argument with himself if no-one else was available) or the bitter disappointment of signing no-one major in the transfer window and nearly losing Michael Owen, it looks as if King Kev’s days may be numbered.

Having once shared a shower with the man formerly known as Mighty Mouse (long story but it was communal, post game we might add, nothing kinky), we have to say it will be folly for the Toon to rid themselves of turbulent Kev.

He may have a reputation for tactical naivety on the pitch and even for walking away from difficult situations, but he’s a proponent of attacking football in the dreary modern percentage game, he really does get getting the most out of players and on the training ground there’s simply no finer coach (we’re witnesses to that).

And if King Kev goes now, surely there would be no way back for him after this? In an era where big business dominates the game, Keegan is the direct product of a less cynical and more passionate era and his loss would only ultimately harm the English game.

Big four becomes big five?

Sensayshanul!!!! Sorry to go all down market and tabloid on you, but we’re never afraid to mix it with the red tops and really there’s no other word to sum up what can only be described as the most exciting transfer deadline day in recent history.

We thought it might be all about Berbatov and Robinho and it was, but quite not in the way that we'd imagined. Manchester City stepping out of the shadows to nab Robinho from under Big Phil’s nose and put in an audacious last minute bid to try and spoil Sir Alex’s party. Whoddathoughit?

As statements of intent go it doesn’t get more convincing than that and with the blue half of Manchester now apparently owned by The Abu Dhabi United Group, who have bottomless pockets and an intention to dominate, a new seismic shift in the delicate footballing cosmos has begun.

With money no object, could we see the big four become a big five? Or will either Arsenal or more likely Liverpool have to make way? Frankly, we scoffed when Ronaldhino to Man City was mooted earlier in the season, but now frankly, anything seems possible.

We’ll stir the mischief pot with the unthinkable. Ronaldo to cross the dividing line? You heard it here first.

Let’s hope they keep Mark Hughes on board though. One of the most talented young British managers around, ‘Sparky’ is one element of the MCFC mix the ADUG would be wise to retain.

Unsung heroes: Fuelling the fire

A normally sedate Monday is instead anything but today, with the football transfer window being left ajar for another 24 hours, it’s a full on feeding frenzy as the midnight hour approaches.

Despite Man City being sold to the Abu Dhabi United Group after Thaksin Shinawatra looked set to fail the ‘fit and proper dictator’s test’ it’s all about transfers today with Robinho to Chelsea and Dimitar Berbatov to Man Utd. being the pick of the bunch.

Although there’s been little to no major surprises as we post this lunchtime, the last minute wheeling and dealing has an undeniably compelling car crash quality and we’re sure there’s plenty more to come.

As we scribble, clubs, chairmen, managers agents and players are all jockeying for position in a cross between Russian roulette and playground picks in a desperate attempt to placate, mollify, cajole or titillate their fans into believing their latest last minute signing is the next messiah who’ll not only rescue the club from ignominy but spearhead their ascent to the next level of football’s hierarchy.

All tosh of course, but we ask you to spare a thought for the unsung heroes of transfer deadline day, the massed ranks of taxi drivers, travel agents, hairdressers, swimming pool attendants and ex-colleague’s brother’s cousins who add fuel to the transfer fire by concocting some of the most improbable sightings since the Bigfoot photos and The Sport’s classic 'B17 Found On the Moon'.

Transfer deadline day wouldn’t be half as interesting without these stalwarts who go above and beyond the call of duty and indeed veracity to spread the most improbable and unlikely of tales which are eagerly lapped up by baying fans.

It simply wouldn’t be the same without them.