Newcastle Find New Owner

After the reports in The Sun today concerning the rumoured bid for Newcastle Football Club, we at the Spurt have intercepted the initial communication from Nigeria. Here it is, below:

"Thanks for your mail, I am really interested in your Football Club.I will pay £250 million pounds for it as I have been a lifelong fan of the mighty barcodes. Please i will want to indicate my mode of payment to you since i am not in the United Kingdom at the moment and there is a Company in the United Kingdom that is indebted to me in the amount of £347 million. So i will want to really seek your Assistance at this point,That i will want you to forward to me the the following informations below that i will need to forward to the Company indebted to me so that they can make out the payment directly to you and after you have cashed it in your bank,You will have the excess amount on the payment sent to my International Shipping agent via WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER ,All charges you are to pay at the western union office when sending the excess amount of £97 million should be deducted from my balance, So you don't have to bother yourself about that, if you find yourself short of funds for this perhaps you could sell a player or two? The reason for this is that,The Company indebted to me say they cannot make out the payment in two installment except once, And since i am purchasing your Football Club from you at this time,I will want to really be sure that my funds will be safe in your hands as i will want to entrust my money unto your care,So inorder for us to complete the purchase of the Football Club now,I will want you to get back to me with your full contact information inorder for me to forward it to the Company indebted to me inorder for them to make out the payment in your name and send it to you ithout any furtherdelay.

Do confirm this mail and get back to me as soon as possible. I'm really looking forward to owning Newcastle United and I'm sure I'll be a step up from the previous owners."

Now this email looks a bit fishy to us, but we're assured that it is the genuine article. And the last bit has a ring of truth about it ..

Legal Eagles

More legal news today (call us Rumpo of the Bailey’s coffee) as Sheffield United look to be quids in following an independent tribunal’s verdict that Carlos Tevez was worth three points to West Ham during the 2006-2007 season.

Surely the assassin-faced Argentinean hitman was worth a deal more than that? Well possibly, but Tevez also scored the goal that secured the vital three points that kept the Hammers up and condemned the Blades to walk the relegation plank.

His registration was highly suspect and it was harsh on Sheffield at the time, but surely claiming back £30 million in compensation now is equally harsh on the current West Ham?

Predictably Lewis Hamilton won’t be picking up any additional points after an appeal against his controversial penalty in the Belgian Grand Prix was not even heard.

Hamilton’s case is a lot better than Sheffield’s but it’s never an edifying spectacle when anyone attempts to settle sporting matters at the bar rather than on the pitch.

The goal that never was...

We’re just like The Beatles today, here, there and everywhere and after a weekend spent up in the grim north, we’re still struggling to find our Southern mojo.

Further geographical dislocation comes in today’s Football League decision not to replay the Reading v Watford game after Saturday’s goal that never was.

For those who missed it, Reading were awarded a goal after the ball dribbled over the goal line on the wrong side of the post and the linesman, who’s eyesight would frankly make a bat look sharp and eagle-eyed, maintained it was all down to - and-we-shit-you-not-this-is-an-actual-quote an ‘optical illusion’.

Now we’re divided, we now live in the ‘Ding (it’s like the Nam, only with slightly fewer snipers) and have always had a soft spot for Steve Coppell’s men. But we’re lifelong Hornets fans and it seems grossly unfair to not only rob us of a victory, but maintain all the yellow cards and cautions we got from complaining against .

Still, we’re reluctantly forced to agree, you can’t exactly replay a game just because the ref gets something wrong, otherwise we’d never finish a weekend, let alone a season.

It’s just one further bit of shit luck, in what promises to be a decidedly shit season.

Forgiveness

Not much doing on the sporting front today, apparently there’s some golf going on or something and Nick Faldo’s revealed his Open pairings. Sounds painful but two competing motives vie for our affections on the receipt of this news: firstly couldn’t give less of a shit about golf if were a constipated water buffalo which is only slightly offset by our natural urge to beat the Yanks at anything at all costs.

So go Europe for the win, yay! Dominate those links! Sink those putts. Or something.

Ahem anyway the only other item of interest was the return of Cristiano Ronaldo who was apparently met by a rousing standing ovation at Old Trafford when came off the bench in last night’s European tie.

Were we surprised by the lack of outrage from the Man Utd fans? Not much. Despite
Ronny practically lying on his back with legs akimbo for Real all summer, nothing was ever properly consummated and United fans know they need faithless young Ronny on board if they’re going to have any hope of remaining English and European champions this season.

Still it’s not exactly going to be an easy marriage when despite the apparent and very public rapprochement, Ronny’s still willing to commit footy adultery first opportunity he gets.

Conspiracy Theories

Spare a thought for shy retiring wallflower Sir Alex Ferguson today, as it looks like he’ll be up before the beak again.

Fergy’s in the steaming stuff after claiming that referees’ boss Keith Hackett was apparently involved in letting John Terry off with a slapped wrist after the England skipper’s straight red against Man City on Saturday.

Now Sir Alex isn’t exactly the most unbiased individual, understandably sees the world through Red Devil tinted shades and probably sees more conspiracy theories than an Alabama Survivalist’s message board... but on this occasion we have to agree with him.

Terry got a deserved red for ‘serious foul play’ which FIFA defines as "excessive force ...against an opponent" and Terry’s rugby-style tackle on Jo certainly falls under that heading. To rescind that card so quickly and to send the ref involved to the lower league doghouse sure looks a bit suss, particularly given Chelsea ‘welcome’ Man Utd this weekend.

Not that Fergy hasn’t been his usual calm balanced self with his reaction being slightly more over-the-top than a Dennis Wise patella breaker.

But we’re pretty sure he’s right when he says the same wouldn’t have happened if it had been a United player.

Chelsea the new Ferrari?

A tale of two Ronaldos

When Man City’s new owners said they were going to sign Ronaldo, we’re pretty sure they had Cristiano rather than Luis Nazário de Lima in mind...

Still it’s with a sad upside downy smile and a heavy heart we have to report breaking news this lunchtime that gap-toothed wunderkind, ex-Brazilian goal machine and World Cup final dodger Ronaldo will not be signing for Man City this season.

Sadly another footballing dream must die, crushed by the cold harsh weight of reality, but still it’s an opportunity wasted in our book, an opportunity to send a clear message to the rest of the businessmen, billionaires and would-be owners currently circling the premier League like a pack of bloated vultures.

Yes Ronaldo is not the player he was: his weight’s up, his skills are down and he might struggle to pass a fitness test for the Telly Tubbies (although he did bang in 9 goals in 20 games for Milan last year), but City could have made an impact by snapping him up.

As a statement of intent Ronaldo’s signing could not have been clearer and that statement would have read, “We’re now so loaded we can afford to have big boy loafing about in the stands on a £100,000 a week and not even blink. So what are the rest of you gonna do?”

For Sale

A weekend’s sojourn into the pastoral idyll of the New Forest does wonders for our fearfully depleted mental reserves, but leaves little time for sporting endeavours.

However on our return late Sunday evening, we did notice this little ad squirreled away in one of the darkest corners of the net.

"For Sale: Wor Club"

Frightfully used football club. Long mileage, low record of success, few modern redeeming features. No previous careful owners and now being offloaded as no longer wanted. Requires large rudder but comes free replica shirt with King Kev no.1 on the back (XXL).

Optional Extras include: Totally unrealistic fan expectations, belief that TV pundit can become Geordie messiah and free poison chalice.

Would suit: Anyone able to pour bottomless pits of cash straight into the Tyne.

Contact M. Ashley Sports Tat Direct c/o USA”

Sounds attractive non? Any takers?