Intriguing news from that bastion of sanity and probity the Vatican, with a hilarious recent updating of the seven deadly sins. Out go old stalwarts like sloth, gluttony and (our personal favourite) lust and in come polluting the planet, eating dairy and having your iPod on too loud on public transport (note. we may have made those up, because we couldn’t be bothered to actually read anything the Pope says).
But it did get us all of a ponder... surely there must be some mileage in a seven deadly sporting sins?
And sure enough, there was...
Drugs
The idea of competitive sport is to pit your natural skills, wit and abilities to outwit or defeat your opponent. Chemically enhancing your chances is a no-no. Otherwise you’ll be said to have ‘Done a Dwayne’ and your profile will be measured in Chambers, the new official unit of sporting unpopularity.
Bribery
If you can’t win by fair means... bung the umpire a few quid or a couple of hookers and suddenly all the fifty-fifty decisions start coming your way. You’ll probably get caught eventually of course, but if it’s good enough for Serie A...
Knobbling
We don’t mean a little bit of jiggery pokery which is fair enough, like getting the West Indies so pissed on the black stuff on the night before that they were 25 All Out against Ireland in 1969. Nope, we mean deliberately knobbling or kicking the shit out of a opponent. Naughty, naughty.
Bad losers
You got beat, get over it. Yup, the weather/pitch condition/planetary alignment/referee or opposition’s skill level just proved too much on the day. Get on with it and stop whining. Ferguson, Wenger we’re looking at you.
Arrogance
Yeah you might have won everything under the sun, be three times undisputed champ and a multiple award winner. Hell you might have even won the biggest one all, BBC Sports personality of the year (cough) but a touch of humility wouldn’t go amiss alright?
Punditry
Nothing wrong with some good honest punditry per se, but the ‘Not as Good/Tough/ Hard/Competitive/Skilful or Difficult as it was in my day’ brigade can piss right off. So can the TV execs who keep hiring them. Note: We’re still available TV land.
Being French/Australian
Probably the most unforgivable sporting sin of all...
