Investigative Journalism

With the transfer window wide open, everyone’s looking for a bargain, a hitherto undiscovered footy genius to rescue the second half of their season and turn a fierce relegation battle into a surge for a European place.

Now not everyone’s got 130m Euro to spunk like Man City, but with agents’ phones glowing red hot, extensive scouting networks scouring the globe, YouTube signings and the eyes of the footy world on even 12 year old park players, it’s not so easy to track down a real bargain.

Certainly not for the Times hack who managed to name Masal Bugduv of Moldavia in his list of undiscovered footy superstars. Bugduv was down at number 30 but had been ‘linked to a move with Arsenal and plenty of other clubs’, so might have been worth a punt?

Just one problem? Bugduv really is undiscovered, as he doesn’t actually exist. Shit, we used to work on that site. Standards really must be slipping.

Anyway it got us thinking, if it’s good enough for The Times, it’s good enough for us, so here’s the Spurt’s guide to the top five hottest (and entirely fictional) undiscovered prospects on the footy scene today.

Enrinque Madeup
Paunchy Eritrean shot stopping keeper, who’s vast consumption of porridge beer has swollen him to such a size that he virtually fills the entire goal. Not so much the Cat, as the fat. Bargain at 6m.

Julio Explodio
Temperamental fleet footed Catalan winger who’s mazy dribbles and ability to hug the touchline are offset by his liability to self-combust at half time. Offers in the region of 2 million - comes with a free fire extinguisher.

Klaus Von Nephilim
Gloomy uncompromising German centre half, currently for turning out for Shalker 45. Highly unskilled clogger but real strength lies in man marking strikers and putting them off their game by convincing them of the essential existential bleakness of modern life. Will sign for biscuits.

Ricardo Forstrup
Diminutive Danish striker who’s so small he’s barely detectable to the naked eye. When defenders claim to have him in their pocket, quite often he literally is, springing out to score a surprise winner.

Hank Yank
Big hearted and buttocked midfield dynamo from the good ol’ US of A. Yank appears to have everything: silky ball skills, box to box coverage and the appropriate sized engine. Yet Yank hampered by a complete lack of understanding of the rules of the sport he calls, ‘soccer footyball’. Test Harvard Yarvard’s resolve with bids in excess of 150k.