Lame Excuses

Merde! Zut alors et Sacre Blue... nous somme discoverez le lamest excuse pour a wantaway that we’ve heard in all our years.

Step forward talented but moody French Newcastle midfielder Charles N'Zogbia whose apparently spat his dummy and vowed never to play for the Toon again simply because poor old Joe Kinnear misspoke in an interview and called him ‘Charles Insomnia.’

Now advancing age makes fools of us all and St Bobby of Robson delivered more than the occasional ‘speaking malfunction’ and would no doubt have dubbed the Frenchman ‘Charles Petunia’, ‘Charles Amnesia or our tres favourite ‘Charles Pneumonia’.

But N'Zogbia’s huffiness over such an imagined sleight is as transparent as Madonna’s g-string and his excuses as lame as a three legged donkey.

Begone sir we say and never trouble our holy Premiership again!

Elsewhere: Our new favourite waste of time? Well has to be the Graun’s phenomenal new Chalkboard, where you can see just how fit/lazy/profligate your favourite Premiership stars in stunning new levels of minute detail.

Bon chance!

Normal service...

“You fucking ...fricking ...fracking ...frocking ...freckers."

“You bunch of ...cunts ...cnuts ...scunts ...tuncts."

"Why should I believe you wankers ...wonkers ...winkers?"

You bunch of bastards ...bistards ...bustards."

“I’m not coming here to have the piss ...pass ....puss taken out of me...

And now putting it all together...

“You can Fruck off your fricking fruckers. You’re all a bunch of cnuts. Write what you like you bustards, you’re all a team of winkers anyways. I’ve not come here to have the puss taken out of me you frockers. Now frack off!’”

Splendid, it’s finally finished!

Thanks for your patience and sorry for the prolonged absence, we’ve been hard at work on a real-life swear filter for Joe Kinnear.

Normal spurting service or what passes for it will hopefully resumed tomorrow.