Second string

Ah the restorative power of spurt. There we were yesterday, with a black cloud hanging around us which seemed sent from the dark lord himself (Sepp Blatter) when the biggest shock of the day suddenly left us with a smile a mile wide.

Nope we’re not talking about John Sergeant’s surprise withdrawal from Strictly, but England’s magnificent 2-1 victory over the Bosch, as we bearded them in their own back yard and which left us with a warmer glow than the sheep around Selafield.

We’ve always had more hunches than Quasimodo, but we called it exactly right (see Round-up, wind-down below) when we said we fancied our second stringers’ chances.

It wasn’t just winning it was the manner of the victory, where we thoroughly outplayed the Germans in every area, showing resilience, flair and endeavour, three words rarely seen in the same sentence as 'England'.

Good to see it was treated properly too without the usual rash of pointless substitutions which alter the shape and coherence of any team. Downing finally looked vaguely convincing as a genuine left winger, Carrick was immense, SWP had a stormer and hell, even Glen Johnson had a good game.

Of course it wouldn’t be Enger-land if the comedy button hadn’t been pressed at some stage, and while John ‘JT’ Terry manfully took the blame on his broad shoulders, the hapless Scott Carson must take at least part of the blame. A nice clear ‘get rid’ would have simplified matters.

Still, ‘mustn’t grumble’ as the old saw goes. This performance proved we have strength in depth and that Senor Fabio can even marshal a mix of disgruntleds and bench warmers into delivering a coherent performance.

Senor Fabio li salutiamo il tuo genio!

Round-up, wind down

It’s a portfolio edition today with tales carefully sliced from around the spurting firmament as we do another one of our lazy round-ups, finding no single issue worthy of our undivided attention.

First to cricket, where following one shellacking and one marginally less embarrassing spanking from India, the colossal intellects in charge of the England one-day side have decided to call up Graeme Swann and are considering issuing a hectic ‘get here sharpish’ to Monty Panesar following the shock revelation that spinners might come in a bit handy on the subcontinent wickets.

Really? You think? By Jove I think they may finally have cracked it.

And now to football and with England due to take on the Hun in a ‘friendly’ tonight, we’re actually fancying the second XI’s chances after the relatively shock revelation that our national side haven’t lost anything in Berlin (four wins, three draws) since 1945 when Bomber Command’s counted them all out, but didn’t quite count them all back in again.

BTW in a ‘let’s mock those wacky continentals moment’ watch out tonight if Bayern Leverkusen’s Patrick Helmes scores, apparently he’ll be casting teary eyes to the skies to dedicate any goals scored to his recently deceased Labrador, Emmy. Bless. (Thanks to The Spoiler for the spot).

Finally homo-erotic glamour pin up sulky Galactico wannabe Cristiano Ronaldo has apparently humbly opined he’s not only the greatest player in the world, but the ‘first, second and third greatest player’.

Another triumph for tact and diplomacy from the boy blunder; rumours that his ego is now grown so swollen and huge it’s negotiating its own separate endorsements and transfer deals are believed to be pretty much right on the mark.

Club versus Country

It’s back to work on Monday where we return suffering from the last vestiges of a lingering hangover from our adventures in the land of Po and a proper Polish wedding where we drank for England into the wee small hours

But while we’ve been holding up our end, what of our great national hopes? Well it’s business as usual we’re afraid, England spanked in both forms of Rugby, thrashed twice in the cricket and Andy Murray’s semi-final defeat meaning it hasn’t been a good few days for the Great Britishers.

And we also walk straight back into the eternal club v country debate as the Scouser’s Stevie G is forced to report for England duty despite apparently crocking his hooves during the weekend’s fixtures.

Now the past has seen clubs and the wilier managers declare all sorts of spurious injuries to let their key men duck out: bloaty head, freaky stomach and hurty knees being among the more credible of the past sick notes.

But this time Senor Fabio has decided to flex his muscles and make the Liverpool skipper turn up for assessment by the England sawbones to make sure he (or more accurately Rafa) is not pulling a sicky.

You’ve got to feel a little sorry for the clubs with the congested fixture schedule, but if we’re going to challenge for an international trophy again. Senor Fab must have his way even if it’s in a meaningless* friendly.

(*no friendly against Germany is ever meaningless);

Euro 2008: The Reign of Spain

We know we’ve been a bit slack on the posting front lately, but waddya want from us? Check that post count on the right, it’s a record month so enough with the guilt trips already.

Ahem, but now onto more serious business and last night’s Spain v Germany Euro 2008 final of which we can all agree that football was the winner, a shift in the European power base may be happening and that Spain, one of the most attractive teams in the tournament, finally got their just desserts.

And a million other such worthy platitudes.

Further observations? ...Yup we’ve got a couple, Spain were undoubtedly the better team on the night, pleasing on the eye throughout and perhaps should have scored even more. However the first ten minutes were nervous times and required a subtle tactical switch to stop Germany rampaging down the left. Also had David Villa been sent off for that mini-butt (induced by Lukas Podolski who should also have gone off) it might have been a whole different story.

But here’s the key moment for us and where the Spanish won it. Football is all about momentum and just after the hour mark a mini-German revival threatened to put Spain under the cosh and a goal against them then might have raised all the old doubts and shifted the balance of power in the game. An equaliser would surely have tested Spain’s both resolve and their nerve to the utmost.

However Luis Aragones' made key substitutions to snuff out that revival, Spain found their rhythm, German heads went down again and the rest is history. Aragones’ decisions as much as any player on the pitch actually won this tournament for the Spanish and he will undoubtedly be made a living (if slightly racist) saint for his trouble.

Still we couldn’t say farewell to Euro 2008 (one of the finest tournaments in living memory) without a final word from ‘Angry’ Jens Lehman. Now Jens is a man of strong convictions, convictions which often fly in the face of reality, but strong ones nonetheless.

As the collective Spanish hangover began and the German tears were finally drying, Jens (who'd even give the Aussies a run for their money in a bad loser bellyache- off), was straight into full on rant-a-quote mode blaming Deutschland’s defeat on the man in black:

“What was disappointing in my opinion was the performance of the referee, who didn't really fancy us Germans.” Herr Lehman managed to follow that up with the rather surreal, “I'm not the kind of person to blame other people.”

It’s not clear whether this represents the barmy shot stopper’s final tourney or indeed his parting shot for international football, but we urge you, Jens, don’t retire, we’d miss those crazy quotes far too much.

Euro 2008: Semi-Final Turkey v Germany

Wednesday sees us enjoying the delights of the West Country and the final leg of our training course in Bath in which we learn best how to push our employees’ buttons.

But and after a hard day on the train, Turkey versus Germany looms and so it's immediately out on the lash with Cagey and the Donfather, two sales reprobates of our long-standing acquaintance.

Sticking to bog standard cooking lager ensures things don't get overly messy but we work our smoothly through a couple of local hostelries before settling in to the Pig and Whistle, and a very fine night ensues – with the traditional banter heavy on our receding hairlines/shortness/fatness/gayness and the now compulsory filching of a mobile phone to send ‘I’ve something to tell you, I'm coming out of the closet’ text messages to all of Cagey’s contacts.

The tavern is packed with a small but vocal contingent of Turkish fans and naturally we’re empathizing with the underdogs. But the match kicks off and the form book goes out of the window as the depleted Turks totally outplay Germany in the first half, and only Schweinsteiger's superbly deft goal keeps the Germans in it. The Turks give them a right old battering.

But things return to form in the second half and almost inevitably the Germans go ahead late on as reserve goalkeeper Rustu goes madly off piste and it looks like the Germans have stolen it.

Suddenly the Turks pull their Stalagluft 17 routine again and Semih equalizes and it looks for all the world as if they'll take it to extra time. But the Germans to mine a cliché are clinical and Lahm's late winner sinks a valiant effort and there’s disbelief and bitter and twisted disappointment not only on the streets of Istanbul but here in Bath as well.

The Turkish supporters leave more deflated than a week old kid’s balloon, but their spirited run to the last four on a wing and a prayer have done the Turks a world of credit and their Great Escapes have enriched the tournament. Fateh Terim’s side should take great heart from this performance having failed to ever qualify for a finals ever before.

This was just one game too far for the Turks, but one of the best ever semi-finals, breathless, entertaining and thrilling.

Euro 2008: Germany 3 Portugal 2

Well what a turn up for the books that was… by chance a double booking took us to the Twenty20 last night in dear old St John’s Wood which meant we missed most of what must go down as one of the classic Euro encounters

While we were swilling down great quantities of beer and wine and getting agreeably shit-faced in NW8, one of the great quarter-finals was unfolding as an apparently rocky Germany took on the much-fancied might of Portugal.

Now it’s a universally held truth that betting against Germany in the knock out stages of any major tournament is like betting on the white guy in a boxing match; it’s something you just don’t do, even if you’ve as little sense as we have.

But the German 2008 vintage had looked spectacularly poor in the group stages and had not so much belied their billing as pre-tournament favourites, but had seemed determined to set out to systematically dismantle it.

Shows what we know, with Ballack’s boys exposing some really poor set piece defending and consigning Big Phil - in what turned out to be his last game in charge - to being one of the also rans... again.

With a wealth of talent and such an impressive manager Portugal probably the finest modern international team never to have won anything and must remain filed under ‘unfulfilled’.

But credit to Big Phil who was man enough to shoulder most of the blame himself.

That was classy. Interesting times in the Premiership await.

Euro 2008: Cheat Your Way Out of That Then

The Euro 2008 group stages have thrown up some cracking final games, so far I am still laughing at the prospect of Austria v Germany where only one can go through. I can imagine the odd party in Algeria after this one as well ...

In 1982 West Germany and Austria played out possibly the most fixed World Cup game ever. After Algeria had beaten West Germany 2-1 in the first group game, lost to Austria 2-0 and then beaten Chile 3-2 in their final group game, they were left second in the group - behind Austria - with four points. (Ah, those heady days of two points for a win and non-simultaneous final group games.) West Germany trailed in third place with two points, with their final group game against Austria due to be played the following day.

A West German win by 1 or 2 goals would qualify WG and Austria, while a German victory by a bigger margin would qualify Algeria over Austria, and a draw or an Austrian win would eliminate the Germans. (Try to keep up!)

West Germany duly attacked like hell for ten minutes, scored, and then both teams kicked the ball around for another 80 minutes in the most obviously fixed match ever seen (to this day!)

Algerian supporters waved banknotes at the players. The Spanish crowd hurled abuse, and one German fan was so distressed by the performance he burnt his German flag.

As a result of the game - actually as a result of the reaction to the game, you know what Blatter's like - FIFA changed their regulations so that the final group games are always played simultaneously.

Group B Final Games, 7.45pm Sunday 15th June:

• Poland v Croatia
• Austria v Germany

Croatia are through already. Germany and Austria need to beat each other to go through. I think Poland are out whichever way you look at it, but I'm out of time now and want to go to the cafe, so that's left as an exercise to the reader...

Euro 2008: Krauts tonked Word of the Day part Eins

Schadenfreude:– A German word meaning ‘unfeigned glee or sheer delight in the misfortunes of others’. Those clever Germans they have a word for everything don’t they?

Perhaps it shows up the failings of our own poor sorry excuse for a language, the one with which Shakespeare, Milton and Tennyson just had to make do and muck on through, but surely it’s a bit of an omission when we don’t have a handy single word to sum up and encapsulate our overwhelming feelings on this sunny Friday morning.

So ladies and gentlemen we give you the World of Spurt’s new Euro 2008 word of the Day, the splendid ‘Schadenfreude’.

Why should that be particularly relevant?

No particular reason, just saying.